Today, was okay, besides all the bipolar attitudes, and random burst of everything. Everyone was happy, then they were sad, then they were angry, then happy again. It was like a vicious cycle, and I couldn't keep up. Lately..I've been trying to get him..To work with her. Tapping him when he says something kind of cold, or telling him to lighten up, or something...Trying to get him to smile..Look at me, see what I'm trying to do.. He probably doesn't. Lol, but that's the point right? I'm trying to keep them together, to keep them both happy. Keep Dawuane from making the biggest mistake...Of his life. Or that's how I see it...I just wont let it go. I'll never be like Arika...I'm too mature for that, but I still feel like I wouldn't be good..Enough. You know? (Probably not, seeing as NO ONE reads this but you...Yeah you..) It's just new, It would be new, and different, and would take...a lot of patients, and courage, and trust...So would I really be willing to give that all up to wok on that? Like I honestly don't know.
Alright, fuck it, I'll write straight from the notebook. ; Beware, this will be a very..Long..Stretched out thing to read. Lol.
So much has happened these past few days, So much to cover.
:I've skipped school all week but Tuesday.
:Yesterday was my Birthday.
:Got caught flicking at Dawuanes.
:Arika sold me out.
I have No clue where to begin, I have such terrible Anxiety at school. I don't understand it.It's like how I feel like when Dawuane grabs my hand or something, but worse...
Mr. Morgan keeps staring at my homeroom. It's creepy how he remembers my name so easily.
WAIT...
"When I see your face,
Theres not a thing I would change,
Cut your amazing,
Just, the, way, you, are~
And when you smile~
The whole world stops and stares for a while,
Cuz girl your amazin,
just the way you are"~
Alright...Sorry. Lol.
So whats up for the weekend? I don't know, Me and Dawuane will probably end up drinking, like usual. It's juts nice to be around him...Though I think uncontrollably. I'm trying to change his mind about breaking up with Arika. I tell him the negative things about me, as much..As I can at least without annoying him. Things most other guys would usually turn their noses up at. Like the bad things that happens /afterwords/.
X
I'm getting tired of the feeling that my lungs and insides are going to explode. It makes everything stress more, and it burns, and constricts.It sucks- so bad. I've never had it this bad before.
I repeat the things Dawuane tells me in my head. I look at my scars, but Ifeel tensed. I try not to think about things, I only think of /good/ things about him. I can't see the bad for once. Oh joy..My stomach hurts, and my heart races, Do I really feel this way? What does this feeling in my gut mean?
X
I can't believe I'm a boyfriend stealer. The funny part of it, is telling Demis. It was funny because she's turned into a complete bitch,but in a good way. she said how much Arika Deserves to have it happen to her. Harsh? Maybe, but I love how cold she can be. It's amazing! She's turned into my old ME. Lol.
X
I'm starting to see a pattern with the guys I'm Involved with. They start to fall for this..."me" And slowly, and eventually end up turning against their girlfriends, And get so transfixed. But how? And why? Why do I cause that to happen?! I haven't figured that out yet. It always turns into shit in the end. Which is why I fear to be involved with ANYONE anymore. I don't want to hurt them...I don't want to hurt HIM. I don't want to go through the pain again...Everything's turning out bad! I want to start getting ready for LIFE. Getting a job, moving out, Having a boyfriend or friend to live with maybe, That's my unusual "Girly" side. Always wanting to be loved...
Pathetic.
X
I can't wait till after school.
X
I'm tired as hell already. I just want to go home, Go to Dawuanes, Arika will probably be there, so that will be lame. Eh, Like I said, I'm only trying to get him to rethink about breaking up with her. This way neither of them can say I didn't try to help.. I tried damn it..I try all the damn time. But it seems that the more I try, the more he just want's to anyway. I don't think he'll make the decision directly, but he might just let her break up with him, turn into that asshole personality of his for a day or so he says, And mope the whole day. I mean hell, I'd do the same damn thing! I know he loves her...It's just the stupid shit tearing them apart, and I feel like it's my fault... He wouldn't be having second thoughts if I wasn't there to...Distract him. Underneath that asshole attitude he puts off, I know he's just protecting a very soft...Fire heart that he try's to keep from being put out. Haha Coincidence. My hearts surrounded by cold, while his warm. Reminds me of when he said that all I needed was something to keep mine warm... -Sigh-...Warmth..
I want to lower my walls, It's amazing when he notices when their up, or when their down. It's the fact that he /notices/ and it makes me feel..Not so invisible. I want him to ask questions, I WANT him to know who I am on the inside...I want him to know I'm not just that little girl with Scars on her wrist's.
/End
...Yeah, that was at school from today. He was "sleeping"...When I left...I wonder if he actually WAS, or if Arika just told me he didn't want to talk to me on purpose to piss me off. Lol. I don't know...I just walked home in the dark, high as fuck mind you, and tweaked out the whole way. Lol. Was pretty fuckin funny. I don't know, he was drinkin, so I just let it go. I'll probably go to bed early, just cuz I can, and not have to worry about getting up for SCHOOL. Ugh.
God I love it when your hairs down.
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