Part of me feels like this is too good to be true, The fear of just being used, Or left behind...As if I was worth nothing lingers- Because it's happened before. You don't know how many times it's happened, and it's just left me feeling so empty, and alone. I grew angry at all Men, Even Women, juts because they can be just as cold.. I love Dawuane...honestly. But he still love's her, it kind of tears me, but I know I couldn't stop it. If they chose to...be back together I probably wouldn't know what to do, but just let it happen. Kind of..Stay away from them- I wouldn't be able to cope after that...Just...I just couldn't. It would leave me feeling used, and just..Worthless. But I'd get over it, right? Yeah...I would. Because I'd have to. If she makes him THAT happy, then hell, least he's happy. But I wouldn't be able to deal with it... I just wouldn't.
He didn't remember anything about the other night, so I filled him in a little yesterday. Like how he kept asking if I loved him, and why I did- If I did. Why I was falling for him, Why he was falling for me, How afraid he was to do so... He was unsure about everything. He kept saying how he wanted to say he loved me but was always so cautious that I wouldn't say it back.
Of course I'd say it back. And I did.
It's the matter of if he believed me, which I think he's too hurt to believe a word I say but like I said- It's u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d-a-b-l-e. I just want him to be able to trust me, Be able to listen, learn, believe me, even if it's just a little bit.
I'm scared...I want to believe he wont go running back to Arika, I don't want to hurt again...and thats what he said he was afraid of.
Like on the couch-
He talked, and cried, about how he's falling for me, how he wants to say how much he loves me, how he doesn't know what to do about us both. He's still so hurt, and mourning over Arika; And he doesn't want to get hurt by me, once again, It's understandable.
I don't want to get hurt,
He doesn't want to get more hurt,
Were both Afraid,
Were both falling for each other.
Twisted cycle, ain't it?
We talked, and asked, so many questions that I didn't have any of the answers to.
I've noticed he never pushes me past my limits, He's apparently good at it, but he never does it with me- Which is a nice thing...I hate being pushed past my limits.
-I'm only asking nicely,
Don't lie,
Don't cheat,
And please...Please....Please...don't hurt me.
--
The reason why I reject him, when he pushes me a bit far, is because I don't want...OUR relationship, to turn out like all the other relationships he's been through. I don't want him to feel like he's being used, I want him to know that if we do, it would be because of love- and not Lust. I wont let it turn out that way. I am a lot more..."Sweeter" around him, it's funny.
It's just, I love him for all the reason's, he seems to hide. I love him because he...completes me. I guess is a good way to put it. Because he's bold, and true. He's smart, and funny, cocky and gentle, Challenged by life itself. I love him because of the way he holds me, because of the way he touches me, the way he makes me feel...I know, I don't know a lot about his past, I know some good things, and I know some terrible things.
But me, He knows just as much. He doesn't know my past, he doesn't know my truth, he doesn't know of my loyalty, My protectiveness.
--
I hate my Master...But it's just words.....Just words, just let her talk shit...
I want to hit something,
And the feeling to cry, pisses me off even more then I already am. Why do I get so fucking emotional?! I fucking hate it.
Thats what I get for having a soul.
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