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So I miss him Terribly....So what.I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to feel at this point. It's what- Wednesday now? And...Well...I think I've done pretty well trying to give him time, and space to think.
Least I'm not down his throat anymore. But how could I help it, Well...She, meaning Sain. I think that's what made them both break. She's very upset with the whole situation, No matter how strong she tried to be about it.

For once, I feel bad for /her/. I've never seen her cry like that to anyone...About anyone, Or even in FRONT of anyone. It scared me a little bit, I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't sure if the room would be engulfed in flames, or if she would just punch him in the mouth..Haha, But this is what I was /shown/ Through her eyes.

I know I'm hard on him, About growing up and what not, I know he just wants to be a kid while he can...Have fun while he can, before he actually has to take care of real responsibilities, and what not. I know I'm not the only one pushing him. His Master does too.

But what about this whole situation? I'm not sure what to make of it honestly.
I don't want him to think he's dating me to get over /her/. So I reeaalllyyy want him to figure that out, and I'll give him however long he needs...

But how long can I go without seeing this boy? How long can I go before I actually snap, and end up there again? Lol, I know those words are nothing but Doom to him...He doesn't want me to Love him, And yet he does at the same time...Thats complicated, how do I do that?

I'll be like I always was then. I admit, I did go soft on him in the beginning. and I think that's what Made us fall apart so easily. Besides him still having feelings for her....I can get over that, as long as he does too..Ya know? We both have to kind fo work at this, But that is if he WANTS to...

Honestly...I want us to work out. Course I do. I'm willing to work on it, Help him, Be hard on him when he needs it, and be caring when he needs it. Because I know I don't show very much emotion...Ever....But you have to understand...I don't know how to be emotional, I don't know how to spill my guts, without them being thrown back into my face, or....Just unaccepted. I've got trust issues, and I've grown to trust in you boy...But please don't take advantage of that. Not saying you would, But you never know. "Guys think different."

But anyway, I'm probably busy for the rest of the week. Gotta go grab my computer MAYBE, today from school. Go TO school, Finish up some paper work there, go home, gotta go to the new house, clean out some shit there, It'll be the first time there for me...So I'll get to see what that's like. Then my brother might bring me some weed...Lol. Funny story behind that one.

And Thursday I'm going down to Firestone again. So at LEAST I'm keeping myself busy though, right? I hate to be alone, and engulf myself in thoughts, It's just stupid.

So hopefully that all works out.


Is it stupid to keep sending you these?
Does it even matter anymore?
I don't know whats going on...


I feel blind..

Falcons of hope, bring me life.

Listen,
I was told a good point.

I know he needs to have time to "think" About things, But in the end, what could he honestly do about the whole situation anyway? f anything, I fucked up his chances of ever getting back together with Arika...Even if they wanted to. They'd still have problems, and neither of them would ever talk to me again. We all know thats the truth...
But even though I fucked it up, Why do I still feel...Like I could still get them back together?
I hate saying that...
But thats what he WANTS, How am I not supposed to consider that?
Everyone says that she doesn't want him back, bla bla bla, Well if she didn't want him back, why would she still have feelings for him? Why would she still keep bothering him about them, Wanting to know how /he/ feels too.? Why would she keep fucking making him feel like complete SHIT about it?
Because she does, No matter how much she says she doesn't, Pft. You think I don't know that chick by now? And your going to say I don't know her? Dumbasses, it's a bluff.
I guess this sounds a little confusing, so I'll explain.
She's been talking to Jeff recently, about shit and whatnot. (Yeah..I fucking hate it, so what). But the things she tells him, Aren't the full story, But he has told me some things...That I didn't even know.
We talked about the whole situation, And how I have to know that they'll always have feelings for each other, no matter what.
And I can understand that, Everyone has feelings for someone they truley cared about. So I'm okay with that,
But his point was; "Can you honestly live with having a relationship with him, KNOWING he still has feelings for Arika?"....
....And honestly.....No...I can't.
I couldn't stand it now, and I don't think I ever will be able to...
So what do I do?
I can't /be/ in a relationship with him, knowing he still loves her...I just can't. It hurts too much.
And no I'm not being selfish on the matter, I always took ARIKA into Consideration, and hid from her. We never "flaunted" our relationship.or how "happy"  we were. We hid it from her, because I know that shit can hurt...
But I'm stuck....
I'm torn between trying to get THEM back together (Even if they say it wont ever work again), Helping him GET OVER her again, FIGHTING for the one I love, or.....just leaving this for a while till he can show me that he can change, and actually get over her.

I can't be in a relationship, who has feelings for another person.
I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to try.
I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to DO anything with himself.
Who just wants to get fucked up all the time because he's bored.

But that was pointed out too,
Even if he did get a job, Wouldn't that give him a BIGGER reason to buy more drugs and shit?
He's not responsible enough to NOT do that.

It was pointed out that...I'm a little "controlling" in the relationship as well, But it's who I am, because I'm always trying to push people onto the right track. But it's because I can't STAND it when people lose their WAY.
I can't..I hate it, and I wish you would do something better with yourself, and with your time.
I can't be with a boy. You need to be a MAN and get over things, Get on with your life, and DO soemthing with yourself. Honestly.
I'm an independent person. I take care of myself, I buy most of my own things, I'm even trying to get out on my own, and get my license, at the age of 15-17.
He's 19...19!! And he cannot handle being alone...
It's not a bad thing, It's better to stay with people, But he has to learn how to fly eventually. His Master is not going to let him stay with her forever, They all need to learn to be on their own.
You can't /always/ rely on Family. I've come to learn this.

So what do I do?
Do I let him go, and hope he comes back a better person?
Or do I continue to try and help him with this...?
Do I let him go off on his own, Learn his own damn lessons, and probably be hurt in the process?
Or do I wait for him to hurt me directly anyway...And just wait for the time to comes.

I'm not afraid to be hurt...I'll stand firm, and strong for the rest of my life, even after everything ends...I just want whats BEST for him, and for him to make something of himself.
Yeah...I wish he'd stay with me, But I can't control that...Fate can only decide,
And his decisions as well.

You can't be afraid to hurt something that has already been killed.
Something that has already been hurt before.
Being hurt by you, would only happen, because you didn't try.
Or because you didn't even want to.

Some bullshit.

Things have changed, Maybe...For better.
But the decision made last night, will be one I'll have to think about for a while.
I didn't...Really EXPECT him to do what he said he wasn't going to do...Lol..
I expected him to pull out like usual, And kind of hate himself for it,.
But last night, he didn't, And hated himself more for that fact.
Though part of me wonders if he even remembers it,
He wasn't THAT drunk, He has to of rememebred...
It was a big deal
A big fucking deal.
But why am I not afraid,?
Why am I not angry with him?
I don't understand myself.

What if I do end up getting pregnant because of the stupid decisions we make at the last minute..
What if I become the problem?
Will he leave like the rest?

Will he forever just leave me on my own?
Or will he step up,
And fix what he has done wrong?
Unless he DOESN'T regret it,
But why wouldn't he?
He is a guy.
A boy who is afraid of life's Consequences.
What will he do when this sort of thing does happen?
What if he can't have kids,
What if he does make a family..
What if he gets a job,
Where will he live,
When will he ever grow up?
What will he do without his family.

I don't think he knows how to....Live...
It's what I think about everyday.
I want to teach him how it is,
How it is to be on his own, He wont know till he's forced out.
But even when he is, He'll only go back.
He always does.

I wonder what he'll do when I get my own place,
Come stay with me?
Long a s he works and helps out, I wouldn't mind that, Specially if were still dating by then.
I'd love to have a fmaily with him.
He's a father in the making,
A perfect example of how to change.
Confusion between poetry and speech.

I love this boy,
To the point where I'd never abandon him,
Never cheat on him,
Never leave him for any reason.
No matter how angry he might try to make me,
No matter how many times he trys to push me away.
Why try and push me away in the first place?
He should know by now that I will never leave him alone.
I'm not like them,
He's so different.
I apologize if this is jumpy.

I want him to be the man I know he can be.
I want him to prove them all wrong,
Both of us,
Prove them all wrong about the both of us,
That he can change,
That I can change him,
That we'll be SMETHING in our lives,
That we'll survive. No matter what.

He's so strong, and he has no idea what he's capable of.
He's still young though,
Still has so much to learn.
Honestly, I hope he never goes anywhere,
I hope he never grows tired of me,
I hope he never stops loving me as much as he does,
I hope the nights where we just fall asleep in each others arms never ends.
I hope the passion never stops.

The thoughts of it ending in the next year, are frightening though.
But what problems do we honestly have?
My family is hard on him, yes,
But thats only because even they want him to make something of himself.
It's their motivation I guess.

I confess...I love you.
But will you always love me?
I don't want this to end.
And I'll sound like every other girl out there.
I just want to be yours,
Be able to love you the way I want to,
Be able to be with you, without any problems.
Liv life with you,
Create soemthing with you,.
I don't want you to leave,
I don't want to LOVE anyone else but you.
I don't want to FUCK anyone else but you,
It just seems strange....
Something I don't ever want to think about.
You even get along with my Personalities...
How good can this be?
Your fucking amazing to me, and thats all I feel like I can say.
Your simply amazing in every way possible.<3
And I'll continue to write poems about you.
I miss writing,
And I bet you do too :)
You should bring it back again.
Make up something new.

Awake at 3

I take it all back,
Any time I've ever said I didn't trust him, He's got my complete trust now.
I wont tell you why he has it, But he does.
And I'm so glad I can give it to him.
It's like a huge relief off my chest, and I feel so relaxed now,
Though I shouldn't be too relaxed just yet,

But I am proud of him :) And that's all that matters<3
Where'd you go tonight boy?
I'm surprised your not here~

"Everything in my life"~

I'm just gonna let you in on a few things, that you probably doubt. Haha, you say some things that make me think some shit.
I don't mind it if your drinking, As long as you have FUN, and keep yourself occupied, you don't get emotional, And puke. Which is a good thing, I wish you would do that more. I kind of feel left out, but that's normal for a girlfriend to feel that way XP I know I'm not the COOLEST person to hang out with. I've noticed that once we started dating, I turned kind of soft, I started to stop fighting back, and I run from Malik now, instead of trying to fight him off,
It's not because I can run and hide behind you now, But it's because I feel like I would lose. Malik is pretty strong, you know that XD It hurts to be hit by him, I'm still pretty weak.

But that's besides the point.

To sum up my recent blog, I do feel kind of bad, I feel like I made you make the....Bad..Decision then you should have. Do you feel that way?
Do you wish you would have gone back and Changed for her?
Do you still think about what it would be like if you went back with her?
I can't help but be curious, You still like to bring her up.
Not that it bothers me, It just makes me think up questions I wish I could ask you, But never do. For fear that you might think I'm taking what you say the wrong way.
I'm not :)
We all have those thoughts, (Not me recently, But you know, Whatever)
I think about all the things you probably don't tell me,
Why you don't say them,
Why you feel like you have to hide it from me.
I know I'm an emo kid, But I deal a lot better with the Truth, then I do with made up bullshit, or lies,
Remember that I'm different from everyone else,
When others need to hear lies to feel better, I like to hear the truth, IT makes me feel better.
Lets me remember Reality, And that it involves change, and bettering myself.

I'm sorry if I seem to be a complete bitch recently, Like today? kicking the door because you said you were gonna drink anyway?
Yeah, My bad, I didn't mean to kick it so HARD like that, but it was kind of an impulse. You pissed me off damn it.
But you laughed, So...Lol I didn't think much of it. Haha
See, I never understood why Arika couldn't... Brush off the little comments, like you say to me.
Like how I'm a bitch, or how I'm "annoying" Or "Get off meehhh"
But I don't, Because I know you don't mean it.
It's called Sarcasm honey D:< She's annoying.

So...yeah. I enjoy you around.
Seriously.
I like it when you appear randomly at my window...To Apologize for something you could have called for.
For being an asshole?
That surprised me.
You would have never apologized to anyone for doing that. Lol.
So why apologize to me?
You don't get away with that Guilt trip shit,
You don't get away with that fake..Sadness bullshit,
And you don't get away with being an Asshole, Or some...
Random hopeless romantic either.
Hence why you never try them half the time.
That whole shit about you being naked in my window, I heard you talking to your Master once about how you said that I would have beat your ass if you would have anyway.
You know I don't play. Lol.

Oh, So apparently the chick Andrea's bf cheated on her with, is really ugly, Like she wont even shut up about it XD She's...Yelling and everything XD

Anyway, I wanna get fucked up..Hopefully with you :D
But I'm still self conscience about my cheek xD
I feel like...unnormal.
and with us "un-normal" People, We can't stand it when something is Physically wrong with ourselves.
It makes it seem obvious that were not normal,
And then we get Looked at twice as bad because of it.

Anyway, Were gonna go....To the dollar store, and Get a mouse, Probably Stop by your house :D
Maybe, If your not annoyed with me yet.
But trust me, All the bitch-ness, is all love dear.
Believe me :)
Love you dumbass :D

"To breath the name"~

I don't know if I'm being emotional, because my fever has been fucking with me, or if I honestly feel...Really terrible.
Stupid Eminem song "Love the way you lie" Came on in the car, And it made me tear up. It made me feel like it was my fault..
My fault he Wanted to Change for her, because he wanted to change, so badly, and get her back, and I pushed him...Not to.
Like I threatened him in the worst way..
Like I would cut if he went back.
Or telling him how shitty I would feel.
I'm scared to death to lose him, Does that make me selfish?
Selfish that I've always wanted him in my life?
Selfish that I always just wanted to be there for him,
To help him out, keep him safe, keep his head together.
I feel like he wouldn't leave me only because he's afraid I'd do something crazy like Arika.

I'd never do that. Because I promised I wouldn't.
But why would he have the right to believe that?
Every chick he's dated has probably promised they wouldn't do something, and then once they break up, they went out and did it.
Just like Arika did.
But I'd never do him like that.
It's not baout the Sex,
It's not about the way he treats me,
It's the way he makes me feel.
Complete...Warm...Emotional instead of emotionless.
Respected, and protected.
yet he's said he's lied, "again like usual"
What does that mean?
That he lies to me regularly?
I don't want to be lied to, not again...Everyone knows what happened the last time I got lied to,
Broken in half, mentally closed off.
I want to talk to him, But I want him to be honest, I want him to tell me everything,
Every little thing about how he feels, about anything I've ever said, or done, or what ANYONE has ever said or done.I want to know how HE feels on situations that regard HIM.
I don't want to know about me that much, But I just want to know about him.
That's all I want...

I mean, He sits here when I feel like total shit.
When I look my most shittiest.
When things just aren't going my way.

 I sound like everyone else he's ever dated-
"He makes me feel so amazing."
"He's the one, and we'll live together forever"
"He's the most amazing gorgeous guys I've ever dated"
"He's so amazing, bla bla bla"

So I say those things? I mean, I probably have a time or two,
But I try to keep myself from saying such things.
I don't want to fail him like everyone else does.
We still act like just friends, Kind of.
We're dating, and I'm still so comfortable with him like I was when we were just friends.

Is that bad?

I don't want to drift from him.
But I feel like my job is already done.
I got him over Arika.
I got him back on his feet.
He knows right from wrong, What he should, and shouldn't be doing.
He listens a little bit better,a
And He's getting some shit taken care of.

Everyone always thinks so negative of him, That he'll always just be some loser.
Why am I always the only one capable of giving him another chance to make things right?
This has been a question we both have asked me,
And honestly, I don't really have an answer for it.
I just trust him with it, Trust him that he'll make the right choice eventually.
Cuz well...If..I don't believe in him, who will? I think I'm the only person capable of seeing that.

I'll probably never get the guts to ask him about any of this, I'm always afraid he'll leave.
Or get pissed off because I want to "know too much".
Sorry, your mysterious, and hardly open up.
You hide a lot of things, though I wish you wouldn't feel that way with me,
I WILL worry about you,
As long as your worrying about me, I'll worry about you.
Even if you stopped caring, I'd still probably try to help in some way,
Whether you want me to or not.
I have loyalty problems.

I feel like I'm being stupid again.
My heart hurts...

He wont listen

So whats this all about anyway? You...Acting out, and Being such an asshole for no reason? No. That ain't flyin with me, I'm not Arika.
And don't think that covering up the phone, and saying bullshit to Tyler makes you look any better.

I care about you and all, but you will NOT be pulling this shit with me, everything you do comes at a consequence.
Like lieing, yeah that. You remember what I said about that? If you DON'T want me to hurt you, then DON'T give me a reason to, understand boy?
We used to be on the same page here. You'd ask before I did something stupid, Do you need me to remind you of all the times you got FUCKED up, and I walked you home? And I sat there and watched you puke, and I let you sleep in MY room...
I think it's time for me to start being a little rough on you.
I will not be your bitch anymore, (Yeah, No more noodles) Cuz I'm not gonna start feeling used. This is what your making me feel.
Used.
You always want to DRINK,
And Drink,
And DRINK more,
Why? how hard is it to actually LIKE being around me, without being on something?
That makes me feel pretty fuckin shitty right there.
Your being an ass for no reason.
Unless you can TELL me your fucked up reasons, Then whatever, Keep being an asshole.

Just remember. It was always /me/ by your side.
Always /me/ telling you when you're too far gone.
/Me/ who told you the truth behind it all.
Me who gave you another chance,
Me who is sacrificing everything for you right now.

So go for it. Keep putting off that assholeish attitude and see how far it gets you.