"To breath the name"~

I don't know if I'm being emotional, because my fever has been fucking with me, or if I honestly feel...Really terrible.
Stupid Eminem song "Love the way you lie" Came on in the car, And it made me tear up. It made me feel like it was my fault..
My fault he Wanted to Change for her, because he wanted to change, so badly, and get her back, and I pushed him...Not to.
Like I threatened him in the worst way..
Like I would cut if he went back.
Or telling him how shitty I would feel.
I'm scared to death to lose him, Does that make me selfish?
Selfish that I've always wanted him in my life?
Selfish that I always just wanted to be there for him,
To help him out, keep him safe, keep his head together.
I feel like he wouldn't leave me only because he's afraid I'd do something crazy like Arika.

I'd never do that. Because I promised I wouldn't.
But why would he have the right to believe that?
Every chick he's dated has probably promised they wouldn't do something, and then once they break up, they went out and did it.
Just like Arika did.
But I'd never do him like that.
It's not baout the Sex,
It's not about the way he treats me,
It's the way he makes me feel.
Complete...Warm...Emotional instead of emotionless.
Respected, and protected.
yet he's said he's lied, "again like usual"
What does that mean?
That he lies to me regularly?
I don't want to be lied to, not again...Everyone knows what happened the last time I got lied to,
Broken in half, mentally closed off.
I want to talk to him, But I want him to be honest, I want him to tell me everything,
Every little thing about how he feels, about anything I've ever said, or done, or what ANYONE has ever said or done.I want to know how HE feels on situations that regard HIM.
I don't want to know about me that much, But I just want to know about him.
That's all I want...

I mean, He sits here when I feel like total shit.
When I look my most shittiest.
When things just aren't going my way.

 I sound like everyone else he's ever dated-
"He makes me feel so amazing."
"He's the one, and we'll live together forever"
"He's the most amazing gorgeous guys I've ever dated"
"He's so amazing, bla bla bla"

So I say those things? I mean, I probably have a time or two,
But I try to keep myself from saying such things.
I don't want to fail him like everyone else does.
We still act like just friends, Kind of.
We're dating, and I'm still so comfortable with him like I was when we were just friends.

Is that bad?

I don't want to drift from him.
But I feel like my job is already done.
I got him over Arika.
I got him back on his feet.
He knows right from wrong, What he should, and shouldn't be doing.
He listens a little bit better,a
And He's getting some shit taken care of.

Everyone always thinks so negative of him, That he'll always just be some loser.
Why am I always the only one capable of giving him another chance to make things right?
This has been a question we both have asked me,
And honestly, I don't really have an answer for it.
I just trust him with it, Trust him that he'll make the right choice eventually.
Cuz well...If..I don't believe in him, who will? I think I'm the only person capable of seeing that.

I'll probably never get the guts to ask him about any of this, I'm always afraid he'll leave.
Or get pissed off because I want to "know too much".
Sorry, your mysterious, and hardly open up.
You hide a lot of things, though I wish you wouldn't feel that way with me,
I WILL worry about you,
As long as your worrying about me, I'll worry about you.
Even if you stopped caring, I'd still probably try to help in some way,
Whether you want me to or not.
I have loyalty problems.

I feel like I'm being stupid again.
My heart hurts...