"I wish I was yours, but I'm not."~

Like I said this morning, Today will, and HAS been a pretty fuckin shitty day. Pretty awesome how I could see the future on that, ain't it? Ha.

My whole day, resulted in nothing but me getting yelled at, grounded, and pretty much slapped in the face with Karma. I guess I deserve it with all the shit me and Dawuane have been...Doing, these past few days. Not that I regret it, I just hate the fact that I can't..Enjoy...Being there with him before it's all ripped out of my grasp, and I'm left to face the music by myself...Well I'm used to that..I'm always left alone. No one ever sticks up for me, so I'm used to being beaten down into submission, specially by my Master. I don't know what it is about her, It's just when I heard her car today, and heard her voice at the door, I just...completely went into shock, Started hyperventilating, and looked to Mama for help...Course..She didn't do anything. Dawuane and Terrel just came running back into the room like scared dogs. I understand why they did...I cowered the whole time in the car. It's just something clicks in my head when I get into trouble with her, I turn into that scared little girl like when I was 6, and she beat me mercilessly because of a tiny mistake. She brings up how internally scarred she thinks I am because of my dad. Honestly, I am scarred because of that, but I think I'm more scarred, because of the shit /she/ put me through. I have to live with trying to make sure I don't do anything wrong, the whole time, every day, in hopes that I don't do something to cause my family to turn on me. Causes me to be an outcast, the "problem" of the family. I hate it...I hate how fast they turn on you...Every-single-time. No one is ever loyal anymore. I feel like everything I do is for nothing..

--I blocked out the world today, just for a second though, and it seemed like...Everything seemed to flow so easily, everything was so peaceful. After I walked away from Arika, and hopping the creek, I just layed in the field, for so long it seemed. just staring at the sky, begging, looking for some kind of way out...I think I ended up crying like a little bitch, but..I just rubbed away the tears from my eyes, and kept walking home. She kept asking why I was making, ME leaving, her fault. I fought the whole time with her about how it wasn't her fucking fault, when really, I wanted to snap on her. I wanted to hit her, scream at her, bite her, and just pin her down and tell her all the things that ever pissed me off about her. Tell her how much I felt like it WAS her fault. How it WAS her fault I feel so shitty all the time. how it was her fault that her and Dawuane are falling apart, and how big of a bitch she is for talking so much shit behind my back, and then trying to say how much I was her "best friend". I'm honestly done with her. I can't live with the bullshit, and her shit. Her stupid made up drama, and her Master who just LOVES to get me into trouble. But theres nothing I can do about it...I'll never tell her any of that, I'll never hit her like I want to, I'll probably never even look at her again. I just can't believe that she sold me out today, and didn't even take the blame for it...She acted as if she had no clue what even happened.. I can't trust her.. I just can't. -

I think that's why I hate school. Because I don't belong there, I belong out, doing the things I feel like doing, taking care of myself, in any way means possible. Hanging out with the people I want to, School just...I can't do it. I just can't. I know its to help my "social" skills, but fuck, I can act just right out in public, it's completely different then school. I just can't deal with getting to know new people..

Alright, I want to talk about this morning, and simply how amazing it was for once. I see why Arika loves to be all over him, all the time. That doesn't mean I'd ever be THAT clingy, like damn. But he really is comfortable to be around. I become so relaxed, and the fact that he actually takes precautions to make sure I don't freak out? It's..Like amazing. He's always so cautious, and never pushes things too far to where I get uncomfortable. Haha, one of my goals is to actually stare back at him for once. Just to be confident, and to stare back, like he usually does. Pfft, throw him off completely. I've been going so long with not really...Feeling anything, that for once I AM, and it confuses me. Specially with him, I never thought I'd see the day. The thought of us "dating" comes to mind a lot.. Like I wonder how much would change, what would happen, who would still be around and who wouldn't. How things would feel, how far we'd get, how much shit would be thrown at us then.. All these "what ifs" as he calls them..

I just....Love holding his hand, and just sitting there. Why? Like- I seriously don't know. I feel so sappy for it though. It's just the silence, the darkness, the just..Sitting there, being comfortable. It's moments like that, that I actually don't feel so shitty...I wish I could have more days like that, but we all know that wont happen....I don't know.. It all depends on what he decides to do with things. What he decides he feels like doing..Or whatever. I just haven't pushed anything. Just trying to gain trust, and to give trust.. I don't know anymore.

I'm not as confused as I thought I would be. I still want to fuck myself up like usual, but that's because I still feel a pull, because of Cory... Like what would he think, and how would he act.. I wouldn't even want to tell anyone..Just so I didn't have to hear the shit about it. I don't know, I try not to stress about it.

I don't know. I'm just going day by day, trying to figure things out. I don't want to feel like such a drone anymore.. I want to BE happy, I don't want anymore shit. No more Drama, just nothing but good. I don't think I'll get that till later..

What should I do with the money I've gotten? I don't know...A few thoughts come to mind, but I think I'm just going to save it for a few things. Just collect money as it comes to me. Start selling art and maybe some jewelry? Since I seem good at that...

...I don't know...We'll see how things pan out.