All on my own~

Look at this fresh, new blog. Made for nothing but NEW. And things that are untold to the world. Things I can't write on my other blog, because people read it. No, this one is personal...about anyone, and everyone I ever want to say something about, without being judged or felt weird about.

I can't get what Dawuane asked me, out of my head. The thought of us ever "dating" is quite the thought indeed. I don't know how exactly I'd react... I don't think I'd be able to do it any time soon... Cory was just around again. I swear, it would have to be complete secret... Arika couldn't know, Cory couldn't know, his family...Couldn't..They'd tell Cory, or Arika.... No one could know...No one...And I don't think he'd go for that. Whats so special about me? It just seems like everything he does is planned, or fake. I can't believe a word of it, and I'm just so scared of anything...I don't want to be hurt. Especially by /him/. It's just all the shit I see him and Arika going through. The things I see them /doing/ is what scares me. He's used to a very physical relationship. A relationship where she WORSHIPS him... Do you know how long it would take him to get me used to any of that? Honestly, I couldn't even tell you. I feel like I wouldn't even cut it to be like their relationship....I feel like I could NEVER compare to that. They were both gorgeous, they were both tall...They fit each other perfectly, and I'm just /there/...That chick who's the amazing one, but is so fucked up, that no one will ever know. I'm starting to not like smoking anymore. At least getting completely blown sucks...I just become like a drone...Just staring off into space. I can't make very many decisions, and I hesitate so much more then I should. He always wants a kiss, or a hug, or for me to give him /some/ sort of attention- That's not a bad thing, I could use the attention to push away my distance problems that have seemed to creep up on me again. I can hardly be touched anymore. Hugging even feels like a fear. It's just that emotional attachment that is causing so much...discomfort. I used to love the fact he was even slightly touching me. The fact that he kissed me that one night, made me feel....So..amazing and important. But then again, I felt like the slutty best friend, that slept with the boyfriend behind her back.- Which ISN'T the case..nothing like that ever happened. It's always the QUESTIONS that get me. You have no clue how many times I've just wanted to kiss is forehead, or his cheek, or his LIPS, when he asked for it, or even when he was looking at me like he usually does. I catch him staring at me all the time, and it causes me to wonder, What exactly, is he LOOKING at. Sometimes it makes me self conscience, and sometimes it makes me feel...giddy. Specially on a good day... When I know I don't look like shit, and that I'm actually confident for once. Those days are always nice. He's the clingy type, so he'd always be around. He'd always want to know whats going on, or that I could hope. You don't know how many times, I've walked down the street away from him, and just looking back once... It's always just once, when I get a certain far amount away... And just imagine him running after me, hugging me tightly, and telling me something nice...Or important. I always see those stupid little movie moments in my mind about him. It's funny, because he's perfect for it. He's gorgeous, hopeless Romantic, and a complete man about things. It's just...The things I think about, cause me to fear him more...Because I /know/ he can over power me, I hate it when he yells, or gets angry around me, and I completely shut down when he singles me out, or is yelling at me about something,- which hasn't happened in forever.... I just think it could if we ever started dating, you know how that is. People in relationships, always do. The other thing, is the manipulation. I know the stupid things he tells Arika, that she falls for so easily, in for- sex wise. Honestly, she talks about how much she hates him, and you have no clue the bullshit she's told me about seeing Jake, or Maly, or any shit about Russel, or some other bullshit about a guy... It get's tiring. I don't understand why she can't be happy with the man she has... There will never be another person she will ever date that will ever be like him, and she knows that. Which is one reason why I think she doesn't want to let him go. For the Sex, for the fact of just OWNING him, Because he's so beautiful, and she doesn't want anyone else to have that. If we were to start dating, I can say goodbye to ever seeing, talking, or even hearing from her, ever again. I can say goodbye to Cory, I can say goodbye to Badguy...I'll lose, a lot...By being with him, So is this really what I want? ...Is this really what I want...? Like- I don't KNOW! That's why I'm so frustrated. I feel like it's a trap. I feel like it's all a lure, to just get my ass kicked, or fucked up, and hurt...I honestly don't know... I'm freaking the fuck out over something so simple. Okay- it's not THAT simple.. but it's quite the problem right now. Like- I want that kid to get his life in order. I want him to get his shit movin, like moving out. Keeping a job. Being able to fend for himself...He needs to learn, he needs to learn to save money, and still buy what he wants at the same time. He needs to grow up, without ruining himself.

God, him and Arika would make some beautiful children. What if we had children? They would...Look terrible. I think about EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!!! The future, shit that could happen, if we actually got together. You see? It's nothing but bullshit. How would MAMA take it? How would Markus, or Miya, or Malik feel.? He said he'd back me up with everything, but what would we actually...Say?  "Uh, sorry. We were friends, but we changed that" Haha, no...I doubt it. I don't know anymore. I don't know what else to say about it.

....I don't know what I'd chose yet. This was supposed to be from my notebook from school, but I already covered most of it already through all this bullshit...I think I wrote more here, then I did in my notebook.

I don't know what to do...I want to take a step back, and just watch for a while...Change my mind set, and just go with the flow for a second, see if I like how things feel... Yeah...That seems good.