Children.

I want to fix this for him,
Beat her for this,
And I will cause everything to reek HAVOC, like usual.

I already know that when I try to fix something, It always just gets all jumbled, it causes everything to just Tornado out of control and Chaos is in play again. If anything, When Arika gets out of the picture, Then what? What else would we have to face then? Ugh...So much shit to sort out. Maybe I'm just thinking too far ahead like usual.

I hate seeing children. Yesterday was one of those days. It's just seeing them being so innocent, and fragile. My Motherly instincts kick in, and when they do, I get that stupid little smile on my face...Just watching them running around enjoying the little things...The big cup in their hands, or the huge ground beneath them...It makes me think...Thinking about having a family..And how I actually would want it when I'm older- What it would be like.

But at the same time..It scares me. Children...Living as a family..Trying to support everyone. It just scares me. Which is what makes me think I'm better off alone for the rest of my life. You know? It's just, everyone is growing older, getting families. I'm almost 18, But I don't want a kid yet...Not yet. Later...way later, Like in my 20's later. Like a son...Or a daughter? I just don't want to put them through the same bullshit I had to go through, But I don't want them so...spoiled, and ignorant either. Ugh, With my personality, and temper, My child's gonna be one hell of a spawn.

I think about who I'll HAVE a kid with, Who I'd actually end up trusting THAT far... It's a scary thought..I want, and can be that..."perfect" housewife/girlfriend kind of thing- (Haha, I sound like Sheba now) I mean. I'm not a cheater, I'm not the type to blame, I don't hound you about things like some annoying people do. I mean, I'm honestly not all that bad...I just want to support you, and help you through shit. That's all I want...To help.They all just look so happy. No...I'm too young for this. Physically at least.

Alright, enough of all that emotional, family bullshit.

I wanna go to Cedar Point for Halloween this year, I've never been there before for it, And it seems like it would be so awsome xD Mm...I love this holiday<3 Though no one has any money, or a car..So good luck with this one! Ha.
-

"We've got a Vampire fetish, is that a problem?" 
"No..*laugh*"
"Didn't think so. *grins*"

-
 Lol, Does no one else notice that sex in relationships, ruin everything most of the time? Lol, I mean, your either abused with it, Abuse OTHERS with it, or you just plain get cheated on and all that heart-breaker shit.. Lol I don't know.. It's a good thing, Sex is a good thing to have, It just gets irritating after a while when it just starts turning back on you xD Course it already haunts me...Causes me to have terrible Memory attacks...And just freaks me out...I wasn't raped damn it...I wasn't.

Anyway...Fuck that shit.

'I love it when I can lay on his chest. 
It's wonderful to hear a heartbeat, other then my own in the silence..
Makes you feel like your not alone..
For once you hear a heart beat that so scratched, and bruised as your own. 
Makes you realize that your not the only one hurting. 
Comforted. 
It's so warm..'

I think it is..just a little bit unfair that no one ever comes to MY rescue..No one ever comes to see if I'M okay, no one ever wants to hear what I have to say, Or my side of the story, or just my thoughts on the matter. No one ever takes /my/ feelings into consideration. No one ever wants to see whats wrong...

But it's better that way...
No one worries that way.

And no...I'm not talking about you.

I mean the other people in the world...

Why am I always so cold?
Why do I always have to be alone all the time?
Why can't I ever get loved...The way that I have loved people...

It's just not fair.

It's whatever, It always is. My voice will remain quiet, and my lips continue to be sealed. I just don't see the point sometimes.

I can always tell when theirs something wrong with him. his shoulders get tense, his facial expression gets serious. But it's funny when he's in public. He puts off that whole.."don't fuck with me" Kind of vibe, and it's so....Sexy..>.> I mean, I do the same thing, but that's if I'm actually in that kind of mood xD his is just so normal.. Shuttup! Makes me feel like I can actually trust him being around, in case something does go down, I know he can handle his own when I can handle mine.

It's all I THINK about anymore, But it's not like anything else is going on. This is the big subject of my life right now. Everyone keeps telling me I'm going to get hurt, I'm only creating problems for myself,
That he's only going to fuck me over in the end.

...Well...Then let him. Let him fuck me over, I'm not scared anymore.I can't keep living everyday afraid that somethings going to happen, That he's just going to up and leave like everyone else. It'll hurt, of course..but fuck, why not just enjoy it while it last's.

Well I've cleaned off my desk, I've cleaned up my room, Got my clothes all sorted together for when we go to the laundry-mat, andd now I'm tired again. My throat kind of hurts? Eh.

"I can feel the pressure~
It's getting closer now~
We're better off, without youuu"~