The Noose.

I'm very....Tired today. My mental barriers are so...scratched, and ripped, and crumbled, that their still standing. I cried myself to sleep last night, Like a child, I just clung to my blanket and pillow, hoping..Wishing my own breath and tears would just suffocate me a little bit more then the sobs coming from my lungs. I haven't cried that hard, and that long, in ages... Believe me, I'm worn out. My body hurts, every joint, muscle, nerve- screams out at me to just not move. The voices in my head are quiet...Everything is quiet...So strangely quiet. Is this destiny telling me to make my own choices? To follow my broken, worn out heart? I don't want to listen- my ears are numb. The lies- Oh the lies. 
"How could you want sloppy seconds..?"
It's not seconds...He deserves better.
"You made out with him the same day he ate my pussy, so how's that taste huh?! How's my pussy taste?!"
 There was no taste. So does that mean that's a lie? I don't believe he would do that.
"Your better then that."
I'm probably not...But thanks anyway.
"You were my BEST FRIEND, How could you do that to me?!"
Because you betrayed me. You never even knew me...I was INVISIBLE. You were too far up his ass to care about a single word I ever said. 
"I beat the hell out of him too! To the point where he was on the ground begging for me back!!"
Sure you did... You just slapped him a few times, pulled his hair...Or well, that's what he said.
"You know he doesn't even love you?! He even TOLD me he still loves me!"
I know he still loves you....But you don't deserve him. You lieing sack of shit. 
"Do you know how beautiful you are? You could have any guy out there, why would you want him?"
It's not that I can get whoever I want...It's the bond that I grow with people during that time...I don't know why, I didn't mean to..Honestly.
"That's just wrong...You don't do that to your friends."
...I wouldn't have done it to any of my other friends...She betrayed me, I hate her, and she's a bitch. She deserves it. While he deserves better. 
"You don't trust Nobody. Everyone either lies to you, or fucks you over in the end, that's why all I do is sit at home with my girl, Go to work, and hang out with Eric every now and then. You don't need No body. "
I know brother...You make me feel better about the situation. You were the only one not talking shit about him.
"Psh, Shiit, She's a twig! You know damn well you can beat that bitches ass"
Haha, I know brother...Thanks.
"All this bullshit over a GUY? That shit is stupid. Your better then that."
Yes, I know...She's the one acting like a wild animal. 
"So does this mean were back to square one?"
Yes....I have to learn to retrust you...I'm sorry. Please prove me I'm right about you...
"Your so distant now..."
Because I have to be....I can't let someone too close anymore...I can't let my walls down now. 

As usual, I've woken up feeling differently about the whole situation, Part of me is fueled to do as I want. Take what I want, earn what I feel I have earned. Fight what has been threatening me, Back away from the situation for a while, Teach a lesson, Fix myself, grow stronger. I want to see the things happen, that I never thought I'd see, I want to see the people I know, grow up into wonderful, successful people. I want to see my friends have family's, and being happy. I want to see MYSELF being successful. And I will.... I will come out ontop.

My fears of reaction, the fears of confrontation, have dissipated. I am stronger now, Colder, Fierce. I don't need a crowd to egg me on...I don't need someone to fight for, I don't need someone to protect- I'll fight for myself, and It'll always be that way. The rain has brought upon a new reign of terror onto the ones around me..They see....I'm not someone to be fucked with.

Don't let them be right. Prove me I'm right about you...That your a good guy, that you have a good heart. Your not that asshole everyone says you are. You CAN fix yourself, You CAN get over this. Your stronger then that, your stronger then them. Your better then them, you deserve better. Leave your heaven open ajar, encase I come limping after you. So weak, and yet so strong, don't let me fall... 

I just want to go to sleep, and never wake up.
Just want to fight, until my knuckles bleed.
Rip away my sanity, like the wings on the back of a fly.
Build up my walls higher then the great wall of China's. 
Kill, until there is nothing left.
Live, until there is nothing more to live for.