So today was alright besides the fact of when I got home. Yeah yeah, it's my birthday about now. Seeing as it's 12:22 AM. no big deal, specially for me. I just spent the day up at Dawuanes like usual. It would be, so..Nice, to just have a day with-OUT Arika being there to ruin everything. Like when she IS there, I have to live with trying not to be seen by her when I look at him. I have to watch what I say, and the smiles I throw at him when their both not looking, or just she is. He has to watch when he looks at me, apparently he's been caught a few times already, I think she's catching on... But honestly I couldn't give a fuck. She's causing me so many problems, that it's starting to really itch on my nerves. I've finally stopped crying at least...Thankfully no one head me? My window's open though, so at least I can hope. But today was great, none the less.. I mean fuck- we secretly held hands under the blanket. Dead Honest- I got butterfly's. It's just the fact that I actually decided to GRAB his fingers eventually. The whole while he just poked and prodded them. Once she actually, LEFT, we were able to relax, so much more...Like, I wasn't shaking, I wasn't hyperventilating, wasn't even having anxiety. Just calm, and relaxed, and...happy. I'm actually able to talk to him a lot easier then I was before.. Trust, I guess you could call it. We just sat out on the couch, he layed on my lap, and stole my hand for a moment. There were so many moments where I would have kissed him...But something stopped me...Maybe it was the fact that he looked at me, or noticed when I was about to...Just likes to rub it in, huh.
Just take my hand, and never let go.
Kiss me now, but don't let your guard down.
Hug me again, Yeah, just like that.
Baby, it's cool, just don't turn your back.
I think it's so different, for us- is because we both...kind of cope in the same way. He turns into a dick, so he doesn't get hurt. I turn into a bitch, to prevent that as well. Like- it's all we know how to work...I just hope he knows I can be trusted. No matter how bad half the time, I will not tell. I'm a secret keeper if I ever knew one. My loyalty runs strong, but no one ever seems to notice that. I don't ever like to leave his house. If I could, Id stay up there, for days in and days out. Just because I know I could. It's always so comfortable there. And every time I DO get comfortable, I always have to end up leaving. Or some shit happens, and I'm put back on guard.
I've come to notice, that I hate the attention Arika puts on Dawuane. We were talkin about that today, about how he pretty much feels used, for sex half the time, and I just felt so bad. I wanted to tell him how much I would never take advantage of him, how I'd never become a sex addict like she did, how I'd never betray him like all the other girls have. But then part of me just say's that it probably would happen, and that I shouldn't trust a damn thing thats going on... Well SORRY mind, I have feelings too. And sadly, I'm falling for this kid.
It's some bullshit behind it though, I do nothing but hear shit about him. I mean fuck, no one even KNOWS him. I Just hear how he's "using" us, or me, How's he's doing nothing but playing me/us. How he's just nothing but some big asshole kid, who gets away with shit.- Mother fuckers, you need to BACK THE FUCK OFF. I'm so tired of hearin people BITCH, and WHINE, and PISS around all day, doing nothing but talking shit, and pissin and moanin over shit they have no control over, and shit they have nothing to even DO with. Bitches just have to keep hatin..
I have his hoodie, on accident, completely.
God....Tomorrows going to be a piece of shit, onto of being my birthday, I just...Want to be alone, with only a few people. It's NOT a big DEAL, I just want to get fucked up, and for my Master to just leave me the hell alone...I want nothing to do with her anymore... I want out. Dawuane- You need to get your own damn place, so I can just go THERE to hide. That'd be amazing..Just sayin.
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