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So I miss him Terribly....So what.I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to feel at this point. It's what- Wednesday now? And...Well...I think I've done pretty well trying to give him time, and space to think.
Least I'm not down his throat anymore. But how could I help it, Well...She, meaning Sain. I think that's what made them both break. She's very upset with the whole situation, No matter how strong she tried to be about it.

For once, I feel bad for /her/. I've never seen her cry like that to anyone...About anyone, Or even in FRONT of anyone. It scared me a little bit, I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't sure if the room would be engulfed in flames, or if she would just punch him in the mouth..Haha, But this is what I was /shown/ Through her eyes.

I know I'm hard on him, About growing up and what not, I know he just wants to be a kid while he can...Have fun while he can, before he actually has to take care of real responsibilities, and what not. I know I'm not the only one pushing him. His Master does too.

But what about this whole situation? I'm not sure what to make of it honestly.
I don't want him to think he's dating me to get over /her/. So I reeaalllyyy want him to figure that out, and I'll give him however long he needs...

But how long can I go without seeing this boy? How long can I go before I actually snap, and end up there again? Lol, I know those words are nothing but Doom to him...He doesn't want me to Love him, And yet he does at the same time...Thats complicated, how do I do that?

I'll be like I always was then. I admit, I did go soft on him in the beginning. and I think that's what Made us fall apart so easily. Besides him still having feelings for her....I can get over that, as long as he does too..Ya know? We both have to kind fo work at this, But that is if he WANTS to...

Honestly...I want us to work out. Course I do. I'm willing to work on it, Help him, Be hard on him when he needs it, and be caring when he needs it. Because I know I don't show very much emotion...Ever....But you have to understand...I don't know how to be emotional, I don't know how to spill my guts, without them being thrown back into my face, or....Just unaccepted. I've got trust issues, and I've grown to trust in you boy...But please don't take advantage of that. Not saying you would, But you never know. "Guys think different."

But anyway, I'm probably busy for the rest of the week. Gotta go grab my computer MAYBE, today from school. Go TO school, Finish up some paper work there, go home, gotta go to the new house, clean out some shit there, It'll be the first time there for me...So I'll get to see what that's like. Then my brother might bring me some weed...Lol. Funny story behind that one.

And Thursday I'm going down to Firestone again. So at LEAST I'm keeping myself busy though, right? I hate to be alone, and engulf myself in thoughts, It's just stupid.

So hopefully that all works out.


Is it stupid to keep sending you these?
Does it even matter anymore?
I don't know whats going on...


I feel blind..

Falcons of hope, bring me life.

Listen,
I was told a good point.

I know he needs to have time to "think" About things, But in the end, what could he honestly do about the whole situation anyway? f anything, I fucked up his chances of ever getting back together with Arika...Even if they wanted to. They'd still have problems, and neither of them would ever talk to me again. We all know thats the truth...
But even though I fucked it up, Why do I still feel...Like I could still get them back together?
I hate saying that...
But thats what he WANTS, How am I not supposed to consider that?
Everyone says that she doesn't want him back, bla bla bla, Well if she didn't want him back, why would she still have feelings for him? Why would she still keep bothering him about them, Wanting to know how /he/ feels too.? Why would she keep fucking making him feel like complete SHIT about it?
Because she does, No matter how much she says she doesn't, Pft. You think I don't know that chick by now? And your going to say I don't know her? Dumbasses, it's a bluff.
I guess this sounds a little confusing, so I'll explain.
She's been talking to Jeff recently, about shit and whatnot. (Yeah..I fucking hate it, so what). But the things she tells him, Aren't the full story, But he has told me some things...That I didn't even know.
We talked about the whole situation, And how I have to know that they'll always have feelings for each other, no matter what.
And I can understand that, Everyone has feelings for someone they truley cared about. So I'm okay with that,
But his point was; "Can you honestly live with having a relationship with him, KNOWING he still has feelings for Arika?"....
....And honestly.....No...I can't.
I couldn't stand it now, and I don't think I ever will be able to...
So what do I do?
I can't /be/ in a relationship with him, knowing he still loves her...I just can't. It hurts too much.
And no I'm not being selfish on the matter, I always took ARIKA into Consideration, and hid from her. We never "flaunted" our relationship.or how "happy"  we were. We hid it from her, because I know that shit can hurt...
But I'm stuck....
I'm torn between trying to get THEM back together (Even if they say it wont ever work again), Helping him GET OVER her again, FIGHTING for the one I love, or.....just leaving this for a while till he can show me that he can change, and actually get over her.

I can't be in a relationship, who has feelings for another person.
I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to try.
I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to DO anything with himself.
Who just wants to get fucked up all the time because he's bored.

But that was pointed out too,
Even if he did get a job, Wouldn't that give him a BIGGER reason to buy more drugs and shit?
He's not responsible enough to NOT do that.

It was pointed out that...I'm a little "controlling" in the relationship as well, But it's who I am, because I'm always trying to push people onto the right track. But it's because I can't STAND it when people lose their WAY.
I can't..I hate it, and I wish you would do something better with yourself, and with your time.
I can't be with a boy. You need to be a MAN and get over things, Get on with your life, and DO soemthing with yourself. Honestly.
I'm an independent person. I take care of myself, I buy most of my own things, I'm even trying to get out on my own, and get my license, at the age of 15-17.
He's 19...19!! And he cannot handle being alone...
It's not a bad thing, It's better to stay with people, But he has to learn how to fly eventually. His Master is not going to let him stay with her forever, They all need to learn to be on their own.
You can't /always/ rely on Family. I've come to learn this.

So what do I do?
Do I let him go, and hope he comes back a better person?
Or do I continue to try and help him with this...?
Do I let him go off on his own, Learn his own damn lessons, and probably be hurt in the process?
Or do I wait for him to hurt me directly anyway...And just wait for the time to comes.

I'm not afraid to be hurt...I'll stand firm, and strong for the rest of my life, even after everything ends...I just want whats BEST for him, and for him to make something of himself.
Yeah...I wish he'd stay with me, But I can't control that...Fate can only decide,
And his decisions as well.

You can't be afraid to hurt something that has already been killed.
Something that has already been hurt before.
Being hurt by you, would only happen, because you didn't try.
Or because you didn't even want to.

Some bullshit.

Things have changed, Maybe...For better.
But the decision made last night, will be one I'll have to think about for a while.
I didn't...Really EXPECT him to do what he said he wasn't going to do...Lol..
I expected him to pull out like usual, And kind of hate himself for it,.
But last night, he didn't, And hated himself more for that fact.
Though part of me wonders if he even remembers it,
He wasn't THAT drunk, He has to of rememebred...
It was a big deal
A big fucking deal.
But why am I not afraid,?
Why am I not angry with him?
I don't understand myself.

What if I do end up getting pregnant because of the stupid decisions we make at the last minute..
What if I become the problem?
Will he leave like the rest?

Will he forever just leave me on my own?
Or will he step up,
And fix what he has done wrong?
Unless he DOESN'T regret it,
But why wouldn't he?
He is a guy.
A boy who is afraid of life's Consequences.
What will he do when this sort of thing does happen?
What if he can't have kids,
What if he does make a family..
What if he gets a job,
Where will he live,
When will he ever grow up?
What will he do without his family.

I don't think he knows how to....Live...
It's what I think about everyday.
I want to teach him how it is,
How it is to be on his own, He wont know till he's forced out.
But even when he is, He'll only go back.
He always does.

I wonder what he'll do when I get my own place,
Come stay with me?
Long a s he works and helps out, I wouldn't mind that, Specially if were still dating by then.
I'd love to have a fmaily with him.
He's a father in the making,
A perfect example of how to change.
Confusion between poetry and speech.

I love this boy,
To the point where I'd never abandon him,
Never cheat on him,
Never leave him for any reason.
No matter how angry he might try to make me,
No matter how many times he trys to push me away.
Why try and push me away in the first place?
He should know by now that I will never leave him alone.
I'm not like them,
He's so different.
I apologize if this is jumpy.

I want him to be the man I know he can be.
I want him to prove them all wrong,
Both of us,
Prove them all wrong about the both of us,
That he can change,
That I can change him,
That we'll be SMETHING in our lives,
That we'll survive. No matter what.

He's so strong, and he has no idea what he's capable of.
He's still young though,
Still has so much to learn.
Honestly, I hope he never goes anywhere,
I hope he never grows tired of me,
I hope he never stops loving me as much as he does,
I hope the nights where we just fall asleep in each others arms never ends.
I hope the passion never stops.

The thoughts of it ending in the next year, are frightening though.
But what problems do we honestly have?
My family is hard on him, yes,
But thats only because even they want him to make something of himself.
It's their motivation I guess.

I confess...I love you.
But will you always love me?
I don't want this to end.
And I'll sound like every other girl out there.
I just want to be yours,
Be able to love you the way I want to,
Be able to be with you, without any problems.
Liv life with you,
Create soemthing with you,.
I don't want you to leave,
I don't want to LOVE anyone else but you.
I don't want to FUCK anyone else but you,
It just seems strange....
Something I don't ever want to think about.
You even get along with my Personalities...
How good can this be?
Your fucking amazing to me, and thats all I feel like I can say.
Your simply amazing in every way possible.<3
And I'll continue to write poems about you.
I miss writing,
And I bet you do too :)
You should bring it back again.
Make up something new.