Awake at 3

I take it all back,
Any time I've ever said I didn't trust him, He's got my complete trust now.
I wont tell you why he has it, But he does.
And I'm so glad I can give it to him.
It's like a huge relief off my chest, and I feel so relaxed now,
Though I shouldn't be too relaxed just yet,

But I am proud of him :) And that's all that matters<3
Where'd you go tonight boy?
I'm surprised your not here~

"Everything in my life"~

I'm just gonna let you in on a few things, that you probably doubt. Haha, you say some things that make me think some shit.
I don't mind it if your drinking, As long as you have FUN, and keep yourself occupied, you don't get emotional, And puke. Which is a good thing, I wish you would do that more. I kind of feel left out, but that's normal for a girlfriend to feel that way XP I know I'm not the COOLEST person to hang out with. I've noticed that once we started dating, I turned kind of soft, I started to stop fighting back, and I run from Malik now, instead of trying to fight him off,
It's not because I can run and hide behind you now, But it's because I feel like I would lose. Malik is pretty strong, you know that XD It hurts to be hit by him, I'm still pretty weak.

But that's besides the point.

To sum up my recent blog, I do feel kind of bad, I feel like I made you make the....Bad..Decision then you should have. Do you feel that way?
Do you wish you would have gone back and Changed for her?
Do you still think about what it would be like if you went back with her?
I can't help but be curious, You still like to bring her up.
Not that it bothers me, It just makes me think up questions I wish I could ask you, But never do. For fear that you might think I'm taking what you say the wrong way.
I'm not :)
We all have those thoughts, (Not me recently, But you know, Whatever)
I think about all the things you probably don't tell me,
Why you don't say them,
Why you feel like you have to hide it from me.
I know I'm an emo kid, But I deal a lot better with the Truth, then I do with made up bullshit, or lies,
Remember that I'm different from everyone else,
When others need to hear lies to feel better, I like to hear the truth, IT makes me feel better.
Lets me remember Reality, And that it involves change, and bettering myself.

I'm sorry if I seem to be a complete bitch recently, Like today? kicking the door because you said you were gonna drink anyway?
Yeah, My bad, I didn't mean to kick it so HARD like that, but it was kind of an impulse. You pissed me off damn it.
But you laughed, So...Lol I didn't think much of it. Haha
See, I never understood why Arika couldn't... Brush off the little comments, like you say to me.
Like how I'm a bitch, or how I'm "annoying" Or "Get off meehhh"
But I don't, Because I know you don't mean it.
It's called Sarcasm honey D:< She's annoying.

So...yeah. I enjoy you around.
Seriously.
I like it when you appear randomly at my window...To Apologize for something you could have called for.
For being an asshole?
That surprised me.
You would have never apologized to anyone for doing that. Lol.
So why apologize to me?
You don't get away with that Guilt trip shit,
You don't get away with that fake..Sadness bullshit,
And you don't get away with being an Asshole, Or some...
Random hopeless romantic either.
Hence why you never try them half the time.
That whole shit about you being naked in my window, I heard you talking to your Master once about how you said that I would have beat your ass if you would have anyway.
You know I don't play. Lol.

Oh, So apparently the chick Andrea's bf cheated on her with, is really ugly, Like she wont even shut up about it XD She's...Yelling and everything XD

Anyway, I wanna get fucked up..Hopefully with you :D
But I'm still self conscience about my cheek xD
I feel like...unnormal.
and with us "un-normal" People, We can't stand it when something is Physically wrong with ourselves.
It makes it seem obvious that were not normal,
And then we get Looked at twice as bad because of it.

Anyway, Were gonna go....To the dollar store, and Get a mouse, Probably Stop by your house :D
Maybe, If your not annoyed with me yet.
But trust me, All the bitch-ness, is all love dear.
Believe me :)
Love you dumbass :D

"To breath the name"~

I don't know if I'm being emotional, because my fever has been fucking with me, or if I honestly feel...Really terrible.
Stupid Eminem song "Love the way you lie" Came on in the car, And it made me tear up. It made me feel like it was my fault..
My fault he Wanted to Change for her, because he wanted to change, so badly, and get her back, and I pushed him...Not to.
Like I threatened him in the worst way..
Like I would cut if he went back.
Or telling him how shitty I would feel.
I'm scared to death to lose him, Does that make me selfish?
Selfish that I've always wanted him in my life?
Selfish that I always just wanted to be there for him,
To help him out, keep him safe, keep his head together.
I feel like he wouldn't leave me only because he's afraid I'd do something crazy like Arika.

I'd never do that. Because I promised I wouldn't.
But why would he have the right to believe that?
Every chick he's dated has probably promised they wouldn't do something, and then once they break up, they went out and did it.
Just like Arika did.
But I'd never do him like that.
It's not baout the Sex,
It's not about the way he treats me,
It's the way he makes me feel.
Complete...Warm...Emotional instead of emotionless.
Respected, and protected.
yet he's said he's lied, "again like usual"
What does that mean?
That he lies to me regularly?
I don't want to be lied to, not again...Everyone knows what happened the last time I got lied to,
Broken in half, mentally closed off.
I want to talk to him, But I want him to be honest, I want him to tell me everything,
Every little thing about how he feels, about anything I've ever said, or done, or what ANYONE has ever said or done.I want to know how HE feels on situations that regard HIM.
I don't want to know about me that much, But I just want to know about him.
That's all I want...

I mean, He sits here when I feel like total shit.
When I look my most shittiest.
When things just aren't going my way.

 I sound like everyone else he's ever dated-
"He makes me feel so amazing."
"He's the one, and we'll live together forever"
"He's the most amazing gorgeous guys I've ever dated"
"He's so amazing, bla bla bla"

So I say those things? I mean, I probably have a time or two,
But I try to keep myself from saying such things.
I don't want to fail him like everyone else does.
We still act like just friends, Kind of.
We're dating, and I'm still so comfortable with him like I was when we were just friends.

Is that bad?

I don't want to drift from him.
But I feel like my job is already done.
I got him over Arika.
I got him back on his feet.
He knows right from wrong, What he should, and shouldn't be doing.
He listens a little bit better,a
And He's getting some shit taken care of.

Everyone always thinks so negative of him, That he'll always just be some loser.
Why am I always the only one capable of giving him another chance to make things right?
This has been a question we both have asked me,
And honestly, I don't really have an answer for it.
I just trust him with it, Trust him that he'll make the right choice eventually.
Cuz well...If..I don't believe in him, who will? I think I'm the only person capable of seeing that.

I'll probably never get the guts to ask him about any of this, I'm always afraid he'll leave.
Or get pissed off because I want to "know too much".
Sorry, your mysterious, and hardly open up.
You hide a lot of things, though I wish you wouldn't feel that way with me,
I WILL worry about you,
As long as your worrying about me, I'll worry about you.
Even if you stopped caring, I'd still probably try to help in some way,
Whether you want me to or not.
I have loyalty problems.

I feel like I'm being stupid again.
My heart hurts...

He wont listen

So whats this all about anyway? You...Acting out, and Being such an asshole for no reason? No. That ain't flyin with me, I'm not Arika.
And don't think that covering up the phone, and saying bullshit to Tyler makes you look any better.

I care about you and all, but you will NOT be pulling this shit with me, everything you do comes at a consequence.
Like lieing, yeah that. You remember what I said about that? If you DON'T want me to hurt you, then DON'T give me a reason to, understand boy?
We used to be on the same page here. You'd ask before I did something stupid, Do you need me to remind you of all the times you got FUCKED up, and I walked you home? And I sat there and watched you puke, and I let you sleep in MY room...
I think it's time for me to start being a little rough on you.
I will not be your bitch anymore, (Yeah, No more noodles) Cuz I'm not gonna start feeling used. This is what your making me feel.
Used.
You always want to DRINK,
And Drink,
And DRINK more,
Why? how hard is it to actually LIKE being around me, without being on something?
That makes me feel pretty fuckin shitty right there.
Your being an ass for no reason.
Unless you can TELL me your fucked up reasons, Then whatever, Keep being an asshole.

Just remember. It was always /me/ by your side.
Always /me/ telling you when you're too far gone.
/Me/ who told you the truth behind it all.
Me who gave you another chance,
Me who is sacrificing everything for you right now.

So go for it. Keep putting off that assholeish attitude and see how far it gets you.

FuckFuckFuck

I feel like a lost dog when he's gone.
When I sleep, I long for him by my side.
To feel his warmth upon my skin..

Something,
Anything to keep reminding me I'm alive.
But thats not the only reason I love him around.
I love this boy in general.

He is my Master, In a sick and twisted way.
Controlling me,
Keeping me in motion,
Keeping me in line.

Something like a Mental Muzzle?
So I've been told.
Such a strange boy,
So filled with so many different memories.

But I love the way his hand falls into mine.
I love how perfect his lips full-fill my own.
Love how his voice speaks to me in the dark...
How respectful his touch is against my skin.

The way his Lips caress across my skin.
His tongue against my flesh,
Satisfying every ounce of subduction in my body,
With every ounce of romance in his own.

He is my Dark angel,
My Vampire in the night,
He is the sun against my skin,
The warmth in my bones.

But do I love him?
Can I conjure up enough strength to Love this boy..?
Enough to trust him,
Enough to believe his words...

...Yes.

Listen up.

I feel like I'm a bad girlfriend or something... How can I be so bad when I'm always there for him though? My family /loves/ him, and I think it scares him almost. He's never had a family who actually CARED about him like mine does. My Master even went out of her way to buy him a new belt, AND let him stay here when he's fucked up, Lets him eat here- he practically LIVES here. He gets along with my Sister, and When Jeremy comes around, we just leave... I don't see why he feels like he shouldn't be able to do all of those things. It's /okay/ to do them here. He's safe, so why does he feel like he's gonna fuck it up all the time. He wont, He needs to realize that.

Yesterday was a GOOD day. He was drinking, We got pills, And smoked a bit. We were good till he took more pills then he was SUPPOSED to. You need to stop doin that shit. I know your damn limits, and 2 and a half makes you black out. 3 Makes you black out. Any more, and I think you'd never remember the rest of your LIFE. I don't LIKE it when you black out, I don't LIKE it when you get so over dosed, and it makes you so EMOTIONAL, that you CAN'T talk to me, You say some pretty fucked up things when you do, Shit like how I don't care enough, Or how I don't show it enough. Do I love you?

Yes, I fucking DO you idiot, Now accept it when I say it, and believe me when I'm telling the truth. I TOLD you. Don't lie to me, and I wont lie to you, I CAN'T lie. I honestly can't, You either know the truth before hand, and I "lie" just to try and push the subject away, But I EVENTUALLY end up coming out with the truth, DON'T I? It's hard for me to lie, I can't make up a story off the top of my head like some people do, I can't because it makes me shake, and I can't ever KEEP the lie going. I get stuck at some point, and then get caught in my own web. You honestly believe I'd lie about such a thing? NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.

Don't EVER accuse me of lieing, because I don't, Specially not about that, or anything else. Best believe that. I'll probably be the ONLY girl you'll ever date that wont lie to you. EVER. Because I don't see the point.
I KNOW I don't show that I care a lot of the time, But I show it in the little ways. Like constantly being by your side, Constantly making sure your expressions stay calm, And when they aren't I get tense, and try in SOME way to fix it, to make you feel better. What do you want me to do to show you I care more? I have a few Ideas, And hopefully they work.

You always tell me "Don't do it unless you mean it." Just because I didn't do it before you asked me to, doesn't mean I wasn't THINKING about doing it, You just gave me the final reason to do so. I LIKE falling asleep with your arm around me, or mine around you, I LIKE holding your hand when we walk around, I LIKE it when you kiss me spontaneously, I LIKE being THERE for you. I LIKE our good days. I LIKE waking up at 5 something in the morning, I LIKE waking up next to you, I LIKE being WITH you. I like the music we listen to, I like spending the day with you, I like how you tell me how beautiful I am, even though I think I look like shit. I love sex with you, I like how you respect me, I like how you stick up for me, I like how protective you are, I like how my scars don't make you turn away from me, I like how you check on me, I like how you let me KNOW where you are, after disappearing, I like how you take care of me, I like everything you do....Everything. How hard is that all to notice? I'll do it too if it'll make you happy. I WANT to show you how much I care. How much I REALLY want you to feel about this. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be letting you sleep in my bed, I wouldn't be letting you stay at MY house, I wouldn't let you touch me. It makes me WONDER what exactly makes you think these things.

You didn't MAKE me fall in love with you...I fell on my own, even BEFORE you and Arika stopped dating. I still always cared about you, Admired how gorgeous you were, Stuck up for you, when I knew she was wrong about something. Stuck up for you against Anita, My own Master, My own sister. I've always protected you. Something about you, just drew me in, I couldn't stay away.

TELL ME. So I can't FIX myself, Make myself a better PERSON. You can't keep shutting out the world like you do, You can't shut me out. I will always pry, and pry, and pry, until you crack. I KNOW you. And that's what you need sometimes. Other times I just wait for YOU to tell me, But sometimes, I really should push you more. I hate it when you can't talk to me, You think I DON'T understand- who gives a FUCK about my little ass problems? I.don't.care.about.them when YOU need my help. When YOU are the center of my attention, only YOU matter, ONLY you and what YOUR going through matters. Don't EVER tell me I have my own problems, and not to worry about you. I haven't given you a reason to worry about me yet, But when you do, Do you honestly think I'd push you away, and tell you to fuck off because you have your own problems? NO. Because you deserve to KNOW whats going on, So why don't I deserve to know? If anything, I wouldn't say two words about it to anyone else, But I should STILL be informed. What, Can't trust me? Think I'll hurt you like everyone else? NO. Because I WONT damn it, I WONT. Not this time. I've hurt many...Many people in my life time, And I'll be DAMNED if you think I can't deal with another one. I am MEANT. BORN. CREATED. My whole soul PURPOSE is to help others, To help the ones I CARE about. To stay loyal, until the very fucking END. And have I proven that? Maybe not to Arika over this one thing, but I'm ALWAYS loyal. ALWAYS. I'll DIE before I let someone hurt you. You just DON'T know. I'll show you...One of these days, I'll fucking show you.

So tell me Dawuane...Tell me.