Home Alone

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2010-11-10T06:03:00.000-08:00

So I miss him Terribly....So what.I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to feel at this point. It's what- Wednesday now? And...Well...I think I've done pretty well trying to give him time, and space to think.
Least I'm not down his throat anymore. But how could I help it, Well...She, meaning Sain. I think that's what made them both break. She's very upset with the whole situation, No matter how strong she tried to be about it.

For once, I feel bad for /her/. I've never seen her cry like that to anyone...About anyone, Or even in FRONT of anyone. It scared me a little bit, I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't sure if the room would be engulfed in flames, or if she would just punch him in the mouth..Haha, But this is what I was /shown/ Through her eyes.

I know I'm hard on him, About growing up and what not, I know he just wants to be a kid while he can...Have fun while he can, before he actually has to take care of real responsibilities, and what not. I know I'm not the only one pushing him. His Master does too.

But what about this whole situation? I'm not sure what to make of it honestly.
I don't want him to think he's dating me to get over /her/. So I reeaalllyyy want him to figure that out, and I'll give him however long he needs...

But how long can I go without seeing this boy? How long can I go before I actually snap, and end up there again? Lol, I know those words are nothing but Doom to him...He doesn't want me to Love him, And yet he does at the same time...Thats complicated, how do I do that?

I'll be like I always was then. I admit, I did go soft on him in the beginning. and I think that's what Made us fall apart so easily. Besides him still having feelings for her....I can get over that, as long as he does too..Ya know? We both have to kind fo work at this, But that is if he WANTS to...

Honestly...I want us to work out. Course I do. I'm willing to work on it, Help him, Be hard on him when he needs it, and be caring when he needs it. Because I know I don't show very much emotion...Ever....But you have to understand...I don't know how to be emotional, I don't know how to spill my guts, without them being thrown back into my face, or....Just unaccepted. I've got trust issues, and I've grown to trust in you boy...But please don't take advantage of that. Not saying you would, But you never know. "Guys think different."

But anyway, I'm probably busy for the rest of the week. Gotta go grab my computer MAYBE, today from school. Go TO school, Finish up some paper work there, go home, gotta go to the new house, clean out some shit there, It'll be the first time there for me...So I'll get to see what that's like. Then my brother might bring me some weed...Lol. Funny story behind that one.

And Thursday I'm going down to Firestone again. So at LEAST I'm keeping myself busy though, right? I hate to be alone, and engulf myself in thoughts, It's just stupid.

So hopefully that all works out.

Is it stupid to keep sending you these?
Does it even matter anymore?
I don't know whats going on...

I feel blind..

Falcons of hope, bring me life.

2010-11-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

Listen,
I was told a good point.

I know he needs to have time to "think" About things, But in the end, what could he honestly do about the whole situation anyway? f anything, I fucked up his chances of ever getting back together with Arika...Even if they wanted to. They'd still have problems, and neither of them would ever talk to me again. We all know thats the truth...
But even though I fucked it up, Why do I still feel...Like I could still get them back together?
I hate saying that...
But thats what he WANTS, How am I not supposed to consider that?
Everyone says that she doesn't want him back, bla bla bla, Well if she didn't want him back, why would she still have feelings for him? Why would she still keep bothering him about them, Wanting to know how /he/ feels too.? Why would she keep fucking making him feel like complete SHIT about it?
Because she does, No matter how much she says she doesn't, Pft. You think I don't know that chick by now? And your going to say I don't know her? Dumbasses, it's a bluff.
I guess this sounds a little confusing, so I'll explain.
She's been talking to Jeff recently, about shit and whatnot. (Yeah..I fucking hate it, so what). But the things she tells him, Aren't the full story, But he has told me some things...That I didn't even know.
We talked about the whole situation, And how I have to know that they'll always have feelings for each other, no matter what.
And I can understand that, Everyone has feelings for someone they truley cared about. So I'm okay with that,
But his point was; "Can you honestly live with having a relationship with him, KNOWING he still has feelings for Arika?"....
....And honestly.....No...I can't.
I couldn't stand it now, and I don't think I ever will be able to...
So what do I do?
I can't /be/ in a relationship with him, knowing he still loves her...I just can't. It hurts too much.
And no I'm not being selfish on the matter, I always took ARIKA into Consideration, and hid from her. We never "flaunted" our relationship.or how "happy" we were. We hid it from her, because I know that shit can hurt...
But I'm stuck....
I'm torn between trying to get THEM back together (Even if they say it wont ever work again), Helping him GET OVER her again, FIGHTING for the one I love, or.....just leaving this for a while till he can show me that he can change, and actually get over her.

I can't be in a relationship, who has feelings for another person.
I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to try.
I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to DO anything with himself.
Who just wants to get fucked up all the time because he's bored.

But that was pointed out too,
Even if he did get a job, Wouldn't that give him a BIGGER reason to buy more drugs and shit?
He's not responsible enough to NOT do that.

It was pointed out that...I'm a little "controlling" in the relationship as well, But it's who I am, because I'm always trying to push people onto the right track. But it's because I can't STAND it when people lose their WAY.
I can't..I hate it, and I wish you would do something better with yourself, and with your time.
I can't be with a boy. You need to be a MAN and get over things, Get on with your life, and DO soemthing with yourself. Honestly.
I'm an independent person. I take care of myself, I buy most of my own things, I'm even trying to get out on my own, and get my license, at the age of 15-17.
He's 19...19!! And he cannot handle being alone...
It's not a bad thing, It's better to stay with people, But he has to learn how to fly eventually. His Master is not going to let him stay with her forever, They all need to learn to be on their own.
You can't /always/ rely on Family. I've come to learn this.

So what do I do?
Do I let him go, and hope he comes back a better person?
Or do I continue to try and help him with this...?
Do I let him go off on his own, Learn his own damn lessons, and probably be hurt in the process?
Or do I wait for him to hurt me directly anyway...And just wait for the time to comes.

I'm not afraid to be hurt...I'll stand firm, and strong for the rest of my life, even after everything ends...I just want whats BEST for him, and for him to make something of himself.
Yeah...I wish he'd stay with me, But I can't control that...Fate can only decide,
And his decisions as well.

You can't be afraid to hurt something that has already been killed.
Something that has already been hurt before.
Being hurt by you, would only happen, because you didn't try.
Or because you didn't even want to.

Some bullshit.

2010-11-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

Things have changed, Maybe...For better.
But the decision made last night, will be one I'll have to think about for a while.
I didn't...Really EXPECT him to do what he said he wasn't going to do...Lol..
I expected him to pull out like usual, And kind of hate himself for it,.
But last night, he didn't, And hated himself more for that fact.
Though part of me wonders if he even remembers it,
He wasn't THAT drunk, He has to of rememebred...
It was a big deal
A big fucking deal.
But why am I not afraid,?
Why am I not angry with him?
I don't understand myself.

What if I do end up getting pregnant because of the stupid decisions we make at the last minute..
What if I become the problem?
Will he leave like the rest?

Will he forever just leave me on my own?
Or will he step up,
And fix what he has done wrong?
Unless he DOESN'T regret it,
But why wouldn't he?
He is a guy.
A boy who is afraid of life's Consequences.
What will he do when this sort of thing does happen?
What if he can't have kids,
What if he does make a family..
What if he gets a job,
Where will he live,
When will he ever grow up?
What will he do without his family.

I don't think he knows how to....Live...
It's what I think about everyday.
I want to teach him how it is,
How it is to be on his own, He wont know till he's forced out.
But even when he is, He'll only go back.
He always does.

I wonder what he'll do when I get my own place,
Come stay with me?
Long a s he works and helps out, I wouldn't mind that, Specially if were still dating by then.
I'd love to have a fmaily with him.
He's a father in the making,
A perfect example of how to change.
Confusion between poetry and speech.

I love this boy,
To the point where I'd never abandon him,
Never cheat on him,
Never leave him for any reason.
No matter how angry he might try to make me,
No matter how many times he trys to push me away.
Why try and push me away in the first place?
He should know by now that I will never leave him alone.
I'm not like them,
He's so different.
I apologize if this is jumpy.

I want him to be the man I know he can be.
I want him to prove them all wrong,
Both of us,
Prove them all wrong about the both of us,
That he can change,
That I can change him,
That we'll be SMETHING in our lives,
That we'll survive. No matter what.

He's so strong, and he has no idea what he's capable of.
He's still young though,
Still has so much to learn.
Honestly, I hope he never goes anywhere,
I hope he never grows tired of me,
I hope he never stops loving me as much as he does,
I hope the nights where we just fall asleep in each others arms never ends.
I hope the passion never stops.

The thoughts of it ending in the next year, are frightening though.
But what problems do we honestly have?
My family is hard on him, yes,
But thats only because even they want him to make something of himself.
It's their motivation I guess.

I confess...I love you.
But will you always love me?
I don't want this to end.
And I'll sound like every other girl out there.
I just want to be yours,
Be able to love you the way I want to,
Be able to be with you, without any problems.
Liv life with you,
Create soemthing with you,.
I don't want you to leave,
I don't want to LOVE anyone else but you.
I don't want to FUCK anyone else but you,
It just seems strange....
Something I don't ever want to think about.
You even get along with my Personalities...
How good can this be?
Your fucking amazing to me, and thats all I feel like I can say.
Your simply amazing in every way possible.<3
And I'll continue to write poems about you.
I miss writing,
And I bet you do too :)
You should bring it back again.
Make up something new.

Awake at 3

2010-10-25T00:24:00.000-07:00

I take it all back,
Any time I've ever said I didn't trust him, He's got my complete trust now.
I wont tell you why he has it, But he does.
And I'm so glad I can give it to him.
It's like a huge relief off my chest, and I feel so relaxed now,
Though I shouldn't be too relaxed just yet,

But I am proud of him :) And that's all that matters<3
Where'd you go tonight boy?
I'm surprised your not here~

"Everything in my life"~

2010-10-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna let you in on a few things, that you probably doubt. Haha, you say some things that make me think some shit.
I don't mind it if your drinking, As long as you have FUN, and keep yourself occupied, you don't get emotional, And puke. Which is a good thing, I wish you would do that more. I kind of feel left out, but that's normal for a girlfriend to feel that way XP I know I'm not the COOLEST person to hang out with. I've noticed that once we started dating, I turned kind of soft, I started to stop fighting back, and I run from Malik now, instead of trying to fight him off,
It's not because I can run and hide behind you now, But it's because I feel like I would lose. Malik is pretty strong, you know that XD It hurts to be hit by him, I'm still pretty weak.

But that's besides the point.

To sum up my recent blog, I do feel kind of bad, I feel like I made you make the....Bad..Decision then you should have. Do you feel that way?
Do you wish you would have gone back and Changed for her?
Do you still think about what it would be like if you went back with her?
I can't help but be curious, You still like to bring her up.
Not that it bothers me, It just makes me think up questions I wish I could ask you, But never do. For fear that you might think I'm taking what you say the wrong way.
I'm not :)
We all have those thoughts, (Not me recently, But you know, Whatever)
I think about all the things you probably don't tell me,
Why you don't say them,
Why you feel like you have to hide it from me.
I know I'm an emo kid, But I deal a lot better with the Truth, then I do with made up bullshit, or lies,
Remember that I'm different from everyone else,
When others need to hear lies to feel better, I like to hear the truth, IT makes me feel better.
Lets me remember Reality, And that it involves change, and bettering myself.

I'm sorry if I seem to be a complete bitch recently, Like today? kicking the door because you said you were gonna drink anyway?
Yeah, My bad, I didn't mean to kick it so HARD like that, but it was kind of an impulse. You pissed me off damn it.
But you laughed, So...Lol I didn't think much of it. Haha
See, I never understood why Arika couldn't... Brush off the little comments, like you say to me.
Like how I'm a bitch, or how I'm "annoying" Or "Get off meehhh"
But I don't, Because I know you don't mean it.
It's called Sarcasm honey D:< She's annoying.

So...yeah. I enjoy you around.
Seriously.
I like it when you appear randomly at my window...To Apologize for something you could have called for.
For being an asshole?
That surprised me.
You would have never apologized to anyone for doing that. Lol.
So why apologize to me?
You don't get away with that Guilt trip shit,
You don't get away with that fake..Sadness bullshit,
And you don't get away with being an Asshole, Or some...
Random hopeless romantic either.
Hence why you never try them half the time.
That whole shit about you being naked in my window, I heard you talking to your Master once about how you said that I would have beat your ass if you would have anyway.
You know I don't play. Lol.

Oh, So apparently the chick Andrea's bf cheated on her with, is really ugly, Like she wont even shut up about it XD She's...Yelling and everything XD

Anyway, I wanna get fucked up..Hopefully with you :D
But I'm still self conscience about my cheek xD
I feel like...unnormal.
and with us "un-normal" People, We can't stand it when something is Physically wrong with ourselves.
It makes it seem obvious that were not normal,
And then we get Looked at twice as bad because of it.

Anyway, Were gonna go....To the dollar store, and Get a mouse, Probably Stop by your house :D
Maybe, If your not annoyed with me yet.
But trust me, All the bitch-ness, is all love dear.
Believe me :)
Love you dumbass :D

"To breath the name"~

2010-10-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'm being emotional, because my fever has been fucking with me, or if I honestly feel...Really terrible.
Stupid Eminem song "Love the way you lie" Came on in the car, And it made me tear up. It made me feel like it was my fault..
My fault he Wanted to Change for her, because he wanted to change, so badly, and get her back, and I pushed him...Not to.
Like I threatened him in the worst way..
Like I would cut if he went back.
Or telling him how shitty I would feel.
I'm scared to death to lose him, Does that make me selfish?
Selfish that I've always wanted him in my life?
Selfish that I always just wanted to be there for him,
To help him out, keep him safe, keep his head together.
I feel like he wouldn't leave me only because he's afraid I'd do something crazy like Arika.

I'd never do that. Because I promised I wouldn't.
But why would he have the right to believe that?
Every chick he's dated has probably promised they wouldn't do something, and then once they break up, they went out and did it.
Just like Arika did.
But I'd never do him like that.
It's not baout the Sex,
It's not about the way he treats me,
It's the way he makes me feel.
Complete...Warm...Emotional instead of emotionless.
Respected, and protected.
yet he's said he's lied, "again like usual"
What does that mean?
That he lies to me regularly?
I don't want to be lied to, not again...Everyone knows what happened the last time I got lied to,
Broken in half, mentally closed off.
I want to talk to him, But I want him to be honest, I want him to tell me everything,
Every little thing about how he feels, about anything I've ever said, or done, or what ANYONE has ever said or done.I want to know how HE feels on situations that regard HIM.
I don't want to know about me that much, But I just want to know about him.
That's all I want...

I mean, He sits here when I feel like total shit.
When I look my most shittiest.
When things just aren't going my way.

I sound like everyone else he's ever dated-
"He makes me feel so amazing."
"He's the one, and we'll live together forever"
"He's the most amazing gorgeous guys I've ever dated"
"He's so amazing, bla bla bla"

So I say those things? I mean, I probably have a time or two,
But I try to keep myself from saying such things.
I don't want to fail him like everyone else does.
We still act like just friends, Kind of.
We're dating, and I'm still so comfortable with him like I was when we were just friends.

Is that bad?

I don't want to drift from him.
But I feel like my job is already done.
I got him over Arika.
I got him back on his feet.
He knows right from wrong, What he should, and shouldn't be doing.
He listens a little bit better,a
And He's getting some shit taken care of.

Everyone always thinks so negative of him, That he'll always just be some loser.
Why am I always the only one capable of giving him another chance to make things right?
This has been a question we both have asked me,
And honestly, I don't really have an answer for it.
I just trust him with it, Trust him that he'll make the right choice eventually.
Cuz well...If..I don't believe in him, who will? I think I'm the only person capable of seeing that.

I'll probably never get the guts to ask him about any of this, I'm always afraid he'll leave.
Or get pissed off because I want to "know too much".
Sorry, your mysterious, and hardly open up.
You hide a lot of things, though I wish you wouldn't feel that way with me,
I WILL worry about you,
As long as your worrying about me, I'll worry about you.
Even if you stopped caring, I'd still probably try to help in some way,
Whether you want me to or not.
I have loyalty problems.

I feel like I'm being stupid again.
My heart hurts...

He wont listen

2010-10-21T17:21:00.000-07:00

So whats this all about anyway? You...Acting out, and Being such an asshole for no reason? No. That ain't flyin with me, I'm not Arika.
And don't think that covering up the phone, and saying bullshit to Tyler makes you look any better.

I care about you and all, but you will NOT be pulling this shit with me, everything you do comes at a consequence.
Like lieing, yeah that. You remember what I said about that? If you DON'T want me to hurt you, then DON'T give me a reason to, understand boy?
We used to be on the same page here. You'd ask before I did something stupid, Do you need me to remind you of all the times you got FUCKED up, and I walked you home? And I sat there and watched you puke, and I let you sleep in MY room...
I think it's time for me to start being a little rough on you.
I will not be your bitch anymore, (Yeah, No more noodles) Cuz I'm not gonna start feeling used. This is what your making me feel.
Used.
You always want to DRINK,
And Drink,
And DRINK more,
Why? how hard is it to actually LIKE being around me, without being on something?
That makes me feel pretty fuckin shitty right there.
Your being an ass for no reason.
Unless you can TELL me your fucked up reasons, Then whatever, Keep being an asshole.

Just remember. It was always /me/ by your side.
Always /me/ telling you when you're too far gone.
/Me/ who told you the truth behind it all.
Me who gave you another chance,
Me who is sacrificing everything for you right now.

So go for it. Keep putting off that assholeish attitude and see how far it gets you.

FuckFuckFuck

2010-10-16T06:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like a lost dog when he's gone.
When I sleep, I long for him by my side.
To feel his warmth upon my skin..

Something,
Anything to keep reminding me I'm alive.
But thats not the only reason I love him around.
I love this boy in general.

He is my Master, In a sick and twisted way.
Controlling me,
Keeping me in motion,
Keeping me in line.

Something like a Mental Muzzle?
So I've been told.
Such a strange boy,
So filled with so many different memories.

But I love the way his hand falls into mine.
I love how perfect his lips full-fill my own.
Love how his voice speaks to me in the dark...
How respectful his touch is against my skin.

The way his Lips caress across my skin.
His tongue against my flesh,
Satisfying every ounce of subduction in my body,
With every ounce of romance in his own.

He is my Dark angel,
My Vampire in the night,
He is the sun against my skin,
The warmth in my bones.

But do I love him?
Can I conjure up enough strength to Love this boy..?
Enough to trust him,
Enough to believe his words...

...Yes.

Listen up.

2010-10-10T08:09:00.001-07:00

I feel like I'm a bad girlfriend or something... How can I be so bad when I'm always there for him though? My family /loves/ him, and I think it scares him almost. He's never had a family who actually CARED about him like mine does. My Master even went out of her way to buy him a new belt, AND let him stay here when he's fucked up, Lets him eat here- he practically LIVES here. He gets along with my Sister, and When Jeremy comes around, we just leave... I don't see why he feels like he shouldn't be able to do all of those things. It's /okay/ to do them here. He's safe, so why does he feel like he's gonna fuck it up all the time. He wont, He needs to realize that.

Yesterday was a GOOD day. He was drinking, We got pills, And smoked a bit. We were good till he took more pills then he was SUPPOSED to. You need to stop doin that shit. I know your damn limits, and 2 and a half makes you black out. 3 Makes you black out. Any more, and I think you'd never remember the rest of your LIFE. I don't LIKE it when you black out, I don't LIKE it when you get so over dosed, and it makes you so EMOTIONAL, that you CAN'T talk to me, You say some pretty fucked up things when you do, Shit like how I don't care enough, Or how I don't show it enough. Do I love you?

Yes, I fucking DO you idiot, Now accept it when I say it, and believe me when I'm telling the truth. I TOLD you. Don't lie to me, and I wont lie to you, I CAN'T lie. I honestly can't, You either know the truth before hand, and I "lie" just to try and push the subject away, But I EVENTUALLY end up coming out with the truth, DON'T I? It's hard for me to lie, I can't make up a story off the top of my head like some people do, I can't because it makes me shake, and I can't ever KEEP the lie going. I get stuck at some point, and then get caught in my own web. You honestly believe I'd lie about such a thing? NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.

Don't EVER accuse me of lieing, because I don't, Specially not about that, or anything else. Best believe that. I'll probably be the ONLY girl you'll ever date that wont lie to you. EVER. Because I don't see the point.
I KNOW I don't show that I care a lot of the time, But I show it in the little ways. Like constantly being by your side, Constantly making sure your expressions stay calm, And when they aren't I get tense, and try in SOME way to fix it, to make you feel better. What do you want me to do to show you I care more? I have a few Ideas, And hopefully they work.

You always tell me "Don't do it unless you mean it." Just because I didn't do it before you asked me to, doesn't mean I wasn't THINKING about doing it, You just gave me the final reason to do so. I LIKE falling asleep with your arm around me, or mine around you, I LIKE holding your hand when we walk around, I LIKE it when you kiss me spontaneously, I LIKE being THERE for you. I LIKE our good days. I LIKE waking up at 5 something in the morning, I LIKE waking up next to you, I LIKE being WITH you. I like the music we listen to, I like spending the day with you, I like how you tell me how beautiful I am, even though I think I look like shit. I love sex with you, I like how you respect me, I like how you stick up for me, I like how protective you are, I like how my scars don't make you turn away from me, I like how you check on me, I like how you let me KNOW where you are, after disappearing, I like how you take care of me, I like everything you do....Everything. How hard is that all to notice? I'll do it too if it'll make you happy. I WANT to show you how much I care. How much I REALLY want you to feel about this. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be letting you sleep in my bed, I wouldn't be letting you stay at MY house, I wouldn't let you touch me. It makes me WONDER what exactly makes you think these things.

You didn't MAKE me fall in love with you...I fell on my own, even BEFORE you and Arika stopped dating. I still always cared about you, Admired how gorgeous you were, Stuck up for you, when I knew she was wrong about something. Stuck up for you against Anita, My own Master, My own sister. I've always protected you. Something about you, just drew me in, I couldn't stay away.

TELL ME. So I can't FIX myself, Make myself a better PERSON. You can't keep shutting out the world like you do, You can't shut me out. I will always pry, and pry, and pry, until you crack. I KNOW you. And that's what you need sometimes. Other times I just wait for YOU to tell me, But sometimes, I really should push you more. I hate it when you can't talk to me, You think I DON'T understand- who gives a FUCK about my little ass problems? I.don't.care.about.them when YOU need my help. When YOU are the center of my attention, only YOU matter, ONLY you and what YOUR going through matters. Don't EVER tell me I have my own problems, and not to worry about you. I haven't given you a reason to worry about me yet, But when you do, Do you honestly think I'd push you away, and tell you to fuck off because you have your own problems? NO. Because you deserve to KNOW whats going on, So why don't I deserve to know? If anything, I wouldn't say two words about it to anyone else, But I should STILL be informed. What, Can't trust me? Think I'll hurt you like everyone else? NO. Because I WONT damn it, I WONT. Not this time. I've hurt many...Many people in my life time, And I'll be DAMNED if you think I can't deal with another one. I am MEANT. BORN. CREATED. My whole soul PURPOSE is to help others, To help the ones I CARE about. To stay loyal, until the very fucking END. And have I proven that? Maybe not to Arika over this one thing, but I'm ALWAYS loyal. ALWAYS. I'll DIE before I let someone hurt you. You just DON'T know. I'll show you...One of these days, I'll fucking show you.

So tell me Dawuane...Tell me.

I know that theres no doubt- I made it~I made it~

2010-09-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

I don't really know...What exactly to post here anymore. Spending EVERY day with him, Tends to make this not such a necessity anymore, But I'll still update it. Why not. :)

Alright, so shit loads of shit has happened.- God it's only Wednesday?- Alright so me and Dawuane are good. Though the subject that was brought up last night, kind of...Pissed me off a little. I guess they think he's going to make the same mistake twice.. But how? He doesn't want to separate from me, whats so bad with that? Nothing..Really. I don't mind him being around. We end up hanging back out again eventually. Either that night, or that morning. Lol. I do go through little fazes where I HATE not having him in my sights, But I try to ignore that, I don't want to smother him. Maybe time apart is good? I just don't want him ending up doin something stupid. But I have more confidence in him now. He's getting over Arika very well now...Now that I got all that bullshit off my chest all in that ONE night. THAT was crazy.. Ugh. I've come to learn that with him, You need dominance, and self empowerment. You stand your ground, and he really ends up not knowing what to do. Which were both good at. Standing our ground is something we do constantly. We can't stand being put down, Denied is another problem. I deny him, so he denies me. Which I hate, So I might ease up on that a bit. Got a taste of my own medicine.

Lol Funny how this starts to happen, THEN Cory starts coming around again. I just leave every time he does..It's just too weird. I actually think I'd snap on him if he acted like a fucking Dick again. Dawuanes already told him about the whole "Us" situation. And he just clearly shut up about it. Or that I know about. Everyone else is pretty...Respectful to me now. I mean- They were before, but they don't fuck with me as much now. Which is a good thing, I like being claimed. Being territorial with me is a good thing, I love that.. *Shrugs* That's just me. I can handle my own, of course, But I like having someone bigger, someone stronger to be protective as well. Someone well respected as well. I'm very territorial as well. I haven't been...PUT into that situation yet, but I'm sure I will eventually. Damn hoes around the Trailer Park, gotta push my buttons. Nothing so far to worry about. I hope I can continue to trust him.

Silent agreement; Don't lie to me, I wont lie to you.
Don't hurt me, I wont hurt you.
Don't regret me, I wont regret you.
Don't leave me, I wont leave you.

I'm pretty loyal, Ya see? Eh...If not, you will eventually. You said you wanted to change, But you are..:) Everyday, Your changing into a better man. And I feel proud to be the one to be helping you change. You'll have a job, and a place of your own before long. I'll have a car, and my own place as well. We're growing up, and were still only just friends?

You bring up dating almost everyday, Haha Or other people do.. Just make the decision already. It's up to YOU. I'm completely cool with whatever you choose.<3

So I'm probably going to get a shower, Clean my room a bit, Call you, maybe before you call me, and see what's goin on.Yay for a fixed Laptop<3

What is it?

2010-09-23T03:38:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's me? I don't know..Just somethings been off about him. Maybe it's the headaches...Maybe his chest? Like, I don't know. He wont /tell/ me anymore. I feel like I've worn out that friendship between us. Fuck...

I don't WANT that to happen..

Thats why I deny him so much, Because I don't want shit to get worn out so quickly, Because I don't want him to get tired of me. I'm probably gonna spend the day away...From him today. I feel like I'm wearing this out.

But I HATE...To not be around him. He keeps my temper calm, he keeps me occupied, Gives me something to focus on, to worry about, something to DO. I hate being at school, and the whole day wondering what we'll do that day, or What he'll say this time, or how he'll feel today. I hate having to go without hearing his voice, without hearing his heartbeat. It keeps me thinking that I'm alive, and not so alone. I'm afraid he'll do something again. (Drinking, or fighting wise) I feel like I should be there, to watch over him, Make sure he doesn't do something because of a thought he had.. I LIKE being there for him, but I feel like he's getting irritated of me. He complains about him being too clingy, when honestly, I don't mind it half the time. I just hold back my clingyness, because I fucking feel like ARIKA. I hate that too. Like seriously, I'm not her, so I need to not be like it. I mean, I'm not BEING like her, I can't stand being over baring.

Why does she always get brought back up. Fuck her dude, Seriously. She's nothing anymore.

I'm not worried about it. If he needs to tell me something, then he should just say it, don't worry about how I'll react about it, if anything, I'll laugh, or give you some seriousness on it.

Seeing him with kids is so adorable..Like You don't even know.

He needs to take a day off for himself. He's been saying that his body hurts, and that his head hurts, and how tired he is. THEN GO TO SLEEP DUMMEH. Jeez. how hard is that. Lol. He could have easily slept the whole day yesterday, but he didn't...Just stayed up, cuz his stomach hurt and shit.. Bleh..Nothing I can do about it.

The other day, he talked about going to Cleveland and getting fucked up. (Now I see why Arika was always afraid of that). Though I'm not AS worried about it. If he see's other chicks, Fine..Go for it. I just think he'd have the common sense not to do shit. Not to get too fucked up to where he doesn't know whats going on, To where they all start fighting and stupid shit.Eh, He'll be fine like usual. Probably get sick. Lol. I think I'll beat him next time I have to sit there and WATCH him be fucked up again. He said he didn't even know I was there half the time...Thaannkkss. I don't doubt it though. He was in and out of Consciousness the whole time.

One of these days...I swear -_-'''

Eh...I'm not that worried about it. If he knows whats good for him, He'll take it easy. I don't know. Just gonna go to school, and not think about it. Just gonna sit at home today...I'm turning too soft on him, I need to be the ME that I've always been around him...ME...Damn it. BE ME.The one to beat his ass when he was bein a lame-ass. The one to be there to talk to when he needs it. That friend that got along with him, but still respected him at the same time.

Ugh, My knee hurts...And I missed the bus, So I'll wait for my Master to wake up, and tell her to actually drive me to school. I actually WANT to go this time. It's getting boring staying home all day.

Children.

2010-09-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

I want to fix this for him,
Beat her for this,
And I will cause everything to reek HAVOC, like usual.

I already know that when I try to fix something, It always just gets all jumbled, it causes everything to just Tornado out of control and Chaos is in play again. If anything, When Arika gets out of the picture, Then what? What else would we have to face then? Ugh...So much shit to sort out. Maybe I'm just thinking too far ahead like usual.

I hate seeing children. Yesterday was one of those days. It's just seeing them being so innocent, and fragile. My Motherly instincts kick in, and when they do, I get that stupid little smile on my face...Just watching them running around enjoying the little things...The big cup in their hands, or the huge ground beneath them...It makes me think...Thinking about having a family..And how I actually would want it when I'm older- What it would be like.

But at the same time..It scares me. Children...Living as a family..Trying to support everyone. It just scares me. Which is what makes me think I'm better off alone for the rest of my life. You know? It's just, everyone is growing older, getting families. I'm almost 18, But I don't want a kid yet...Not yet. Later...way later, Like in my 20's later. Like a son...Or a daughter? I just don't want to put them through the same bullshit I had to go through, But I don't want them so...spoiled, and ignorant either. Ugh, With my personality, and temper, My child's gonna be one hell of a spawn.

I think about who I'll HAVE a kid with, Who I'd actually end up trusting THAT far... It's a scary thought..I want, and can be that..."perfect" housewife/girlfriend kind of thing- (Haha, I sound like Sheba now) I mean. I'm not a cheater, I'm not the type to blame, I don't hound you about things like some annoying people do. I mean, I'm honestly not all that bad...I just want to support you, and help you through shit. That's all I want...To help.They all just look so happy. No...I'm too young for this. Physically at least.

Alright, enough of all that emotional, family bullshit.

I wanna go to Cedar Point for Halloween this year, I've never been there before for it, And it seems like it would be so awsome xD Mm...I love this holiday<3 Though no one has any money, or a car..So good luck with this one! Ha.
-

"We've got a Vampire fetish, is that a problem?"
"No..*laugh*"
"Didn't think so. *grins*"

-
Lol, Does no one else notice that sex in relationships, ruin everything most of the time? Lol, I mean, your either abused with it, Abuse OTHERS with it, or you just plain get cheated on and all that heart-breaker shit.. Lol I don't know.. It's a good thing, Sex is a good thing to have, It just gets irritating after a while when it just starts turning back on you xD Course it already haunts me...Causes me to have terrible Memory attacks...And just freaks me out...I wasn't raped damn it...I wasn't.

Anyway...Fuck that shit.

'I love it when I can lay on his chest.
It's wonderful to hear a heartbeat, other then my own in the silence..
Makes you feel like your not alone..
For once you hear a heart beat that so scratched, and bruised as your own.
Makes you realize that your not the only one hurting.
Comforted.
It's so warm..'

I think it is..just a little bit unfair that no one ever comes to MY rescue..No one ever comes to see if I'M okay, no one ever wants to hear what I have to say, Or my side of the story, or just my thoughts on the matter. No one ever takes /my/ feelings into consideration. No one ever wants to see whats wrong...

But it's better that way...
No one worries that way.

And no...I'm not talking about you.

I mean the other people in the world...

Why am I always so cold?
Why do I always have to be alone all the time?
Why can't I ever get loved...The way that I have loved people...

It's just not fair.

It's whatever, It always is. My voice will remain quiet, and my lips continue to be sealed. I just don't see the point sometimes.

I can always tell when theirs something wrong with him. his shoulders get tense, his facial expression gets serious. But it's funny when he's in public. He puts off that whole.."don't fuck with me" Kind of vibe, and it's so....Sexy..>.> I mean, I do the same thing, but that's if I'm actually in that kind of mood xD his is just so normal.. Shuttup! Makes me feel like I can actually trust him being around, in case something does go down, I know he can handle his own when I can handle mine.

It's all I THINK about anymore, But it's not like anything else is going on. This is the big subject of my life right now. Everyone keeps telling me I'm going to get hurt, I'm only creating problems for myself,
That he's only going to fuck me over in the end.

...Well...Then let him. Let him fuck me over, I'm not scared anymore.I can't keep living everyday afraid that somethings going to happen, That he's just going to up and leave like everyone else. It'll hurt, of course..but fuck, why not just enjoy it while it last's.

Well I've cleaned off my desk, I've cleaned up my room, Got my clothes all sorted together for when we go to the laundry-mat, andd now I'm tired again. My throat kind of hurts? Eh.

"I can feel the pressure~
It's getting closer now~
We're better off, without youuu"~

I hope your happy.

2010-09-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

I can't believe you... what are you thinking? Why would you do it? I don't even know who you are right now.

You said you wouldn't go back to her,
You said you were done.
All those bad things you said about her,
All those things you said you hated,
And yet you still love her?
What is there to LOVE?
Why would you even talk to me when you knew you'd go running back.
You KNEW it would hurt me,
Is that why you did it?
Because you knew it would hurt me so much more then it would anyone else?

I'm PISSED off at you.
I hate you so much right now,
I don't think I can even talk to you anymore.
Ever.

Why would you do the things you did,
Say the things you said,
Cry about the things you never ment.

You were right, You would end up hurting me, and that's what you did.

Are you happy with her? Happy with that family of two faced sluts....

I have no clue how to feel right now.

I hope you two have a great family...

I can't do it, I just can't.

I hope your happy...What made you decide to make that decision..? Did you know we were worried about you after dissapearing for 2 whole days? No one knew where the fuck you were, and you ended up being THERE? THERE- of ALL places, you had to choose there...Why? just tell me why... Why say the things, do the things, you never ment to keep to. Your such an asshole, and you KNOW it... I know you do, I know your sitting there every moment telling yourself that it doesn't matter.

But it DOES! Do you not see how much shit your putting yourself through?! Do you not see how much more shit your putting us BOTH through? I hate the THOUGHT.

How dare you lie to me.
You TOLD them,
And I LIED and said it wasn't TRUE.
Then how did they know? Then how come everything they said, was exactly-True.

You and Cory dude...Your both a trip.

Cory can go fuck off...It was his fault. He shouldn't have touched me then. Mother fucker, I want to punch him in his lame ass snake bites too. Fuck him. - You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Whatever...I knew this would come, so I'm not that fucked up about it... It's whatever, You'll learn your lesson eventually, You probably can't take much more anyway. You'll boil over eventually, and when you do, I WONT be there to hold you in my arms as you cry again.

I'm sorry- But I'm not..

I hope your happy.

With the absence of eye, I can start to bleed again...

2010-09-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

I just wanna die..

I think I'm suicidal again...I mean honestly, I don't want to go back into that rut I went into for so many years before...I've got two full bottles of Ibuprofen and Bayer, a razor and a mental breakdown... I havn't DONE anything yet...But I know I will if I get to it. I want to...

I want to...
all over...Down my legs, up my arms, across my chest,
over my shoulders,
around my neck..
i can't take it.

The pain will be unbarable, but I want it to stop..

Maybe the blood will excite me..And the pills will numb the pain..
My stomach hurts...
I don't want to be alone anymore.

The Noose.

2010-09-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

I'm very....Tired today. My mental barriers are so...scratched, and ripped, and crumbled, that their still standing. I cried myself to sleep last night, Like a child, I just clung to my blanket and pillow, hoping..Wishing my own breath and tears would just suffocate me a little bit more then the sobs coming from my lungs. I haven't cried that hard, and that long, in ages... Believe me, I'm worn out. My body hurts, every joint, muscle, nerve- screams out at me to just not move. The voices in my head are quiet...Everything is quiet...So strangely quiet. Is this destiny telling me to make my own choices? To follow my broken, worn out heart? I don't want to listen- my ears are numb. The lies- ~~Oh the lies.~~
"How could you want sloppy seconds..?"
~~It's not seconds...He deserves better.~~
"You made out with him the same day he ate my pussy, so how's that taste huh?! How's my pussy taste?!"
~~There was no taste. So does that mean that's a lie? I don't believe he would do that.~~
"Your better then that."
~~I'm probably not...But thanks anyway.~~
"You were my BEST FRIEND, How could you do that to me?!"
~~Because you betrayed me. You never even knew me...I was INVISIBLE. You were too far up his ass to care about a single word I ever said.~~
"I beat the hell out of him too! To the point where he was on the ground begging for me back!!"
~~Sure you did... You just slapped him a few times, pulled his hair...Or well, that's what he said.~~
"You know he doesn't even love you?! He even TOLD me he still loves me!"
~~I know he still loves you....But you don't deserve him. You lieing sack of shit.~~
"Do you know how beautiful you are? You could have any guy out there, why would you want him?"
~~It's not that I can get whoever I want...It's the bond that I grow with people during that time...I don't know why, I didn't mean to..Honestly.~~
"That's just wrong...You don't do that to your friends."
~~...I wouldn't have done it to any of my other friends...She betrayed me, I hate her, and she's a bitch. She deserves it. While he deserves better.~~
"You don't trust Nobody. Everyone either lies to you, or fucks you over in the end, that's why all I do is sit at home with my girl, Go to work, and hang out with Eric every now and then. You don't need No body. "
~~I know brother...You make me feel better about the situation. You were the only one not talking shit about him.~~
"Psh, Shiit, She's a twig! You know damn well you can beat that bitches ass"
~~Haha, I know brother...Thanks.~~
"All this bullshit over a GUY? That shit is stupid. Your better then that."
~~Yes, I know...She's the one acting like a wild animal.~~
"So does this mean were back to square one?"
~~Yes....I have to learn to retrust you...I'm sorry. Please prove me I'm right about you...~~
"Your so distant now..."
~~Because I have to be....I can't let someone too close anymore...I can't let my walls down now.~~

As usual, I've woken up feeling differently about the whole situation, Part of me is fueled to do as I want. Take what I want, earn what I feel I have earned. Fight what has been threatening me, Back away from the situation for a while, Teach a lesson, Fix myself, grow stronger. I want to see the things happen, that I never thought I'd see, I want to see the people I know, grow up into wonderful, successful people. I want to see my friends have family's, and being happy. I want to see MYSELF being successful. And I will.... I will come out ontop.

My fears of reaction, the fears of confrontation, have dissipated. I am stronger now, Colder, Fierce. I don't need a crowd to egg me on...I don't need someone to fight for, I don't need someone to protect- I'll fight for myself, and It'll always be that way. The rain has brought upon a new reign of terror onto the ones around me..They see....I'm not someone to be fucked with.

Don't let them be right. Prove me I'm right about you...That your a good guy, that you have a good heart. Your not that asshole everyone says you are. You CAN fix yourself, You CAN get over this. Your stronger then that, your stronger then them. Your better then them, you deserve better. Leave your heaven open ajar, encase I come limping after you. So weak, and yet so strong, don't let me fall...

~~I just want to go to sleep, and never wake up.~~
~~Just want to fight, until my knuckles bleed.~~
~~Rip away my sanity, like the wings on the back of a fly.~~
~~Build up my walls higher then the great wall of China's.~~
~~Kill, until there is nothing left.~~
~~Live, until there is nothing more to live for.~~

Wow, What a day.

2010-09-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

...Tch...

Yeah..amazing.

I don't know...what to believe honestly...I'm really numb right now. I've lost my grip on reality...I don't know whats up, whats down, whats real, whats my imagination...My sides have switched over 34 times now. Dott's afraid, Sain's pissed off more then a motherfucker. I'm frantic, just wanting to hide, and the rest of me is just hurt...

I know I shouldn't believe her...But maybe I was right not to trust him. Apparently everything was a lie, it was all just because I needed the attention... You don't know, How much...That hurts to hear...It hurts so bad.....So....So bad...

My knuckles are more durable then I thought they were. I've punched the fuck out of the Refrigerator, and my closet door. I don't want anyone to think I'm AFRAID of her...Because god knows that's not the reason. I'm afraid to HURT...Her. I've spent so many years, doing nothing but PROTECTING her...Being there for her, Sharing her fucking emotions. I-can't-fight-her. I just can't...Unless my Anger gets the best of me, I wont...I refuse to..I refuse to hit her. I refuse to do such a thing.

If he loves her, and wants her so badly, then so be it. It'll only prove to myself that I was stupid enough to trust another man...Another person in my life.

Part of me doesn't believe it though. She's a CHRONIC- LIAR, She probably just made shit up because she hates my guts right now..About how everything he said, and did, was because I needed the attention......Sain say's it's not true.

Then why does it hurt..So bad? Why is this all happening? I don't get it! I can't control myself. THAT'S what I'm worried about. I'm not AFRAID of her, I'm AFRAID, of me.

I have no clue where he went.... his hoodies gone too. My knuckles hurt, and my head hurts..

This is just too much...

....I can't believe I'm hiding....I can't believe I'm locked into my room, just sitting here....I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

I hate her..I'm not going to school tomorrow, I know damn well I'll go into flair up after this...I can feel it working already..

I need some weed. I need some Zanny's, I need some Alcohol.......I hate this.....I can't CONTROL MYSELF.

Now I just feel like a bitch.

I love my brother dude...He always comes to my rescue in times like these...Proves a point to me every time, that you should NEVER EVER trust anyone...In the world no matter who it is. Whether it be your best friend, or your husband. I feel protected when he's around...Not that I'm a wimp or anything...I really honestly don't know if I could ever actually FIGHT, anyone.. I can hardly fight back with friends when were just playing around.

I REALLY fucking wish I knew where he went....No..

Why should I care. I don't know the truth yet.

I'm gaining more control over myself now though...I just needed a moment to collect myself. I already told my Master I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm not until she gets me back into Akron digital. I'll become that kid who keeps to herself in her room all day again... I'm just not meant for the world...I just can't handle it.

Dude, He's still telling me things to make me feel better. Like how she's a twig, and that he knows damn well I could beat her ass. That if she lays her hands on me to just let go, and to lay her ass out.. Which is what I'll probably end up doing anyway. She's gonna push me to my limit, and I'm just not going to care. My Temper is not something to be messed with.

God I hate this world.

"Watch me burn"

2010-09-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

Part of me feels like this is too good to be true, The fear of just being used, Or left behind...As if I was worth nothing lingers- Because it's happened before. You don't know how many times it's happened, and it's just left me feeling so empty, and alone. I grew angry at all Men, Even Women, juts because they can be just as cold.. I love Dawuane...honestly. But he still love's her, it kind of tears me, but I know I couldn't stop it. If they chose to...be back together I probably wouldn't know what to do, but just let it happen. Kind of..Stay away from them- I wouldn't be able to cope after that...Just...I just couldn't. It would leave me feeling used, and just..Worthless. But I'd get over it, right? Yeah...I would. Because I'd have to. If she makes him THAT happy, then hell, least he's happy. But I wouldn't be able to deal with it... I just wouldn't.

He didn't remember anything about the other night, so I filled him in a little yesterday. Like how he kept asking if I loved him, and why I did- If I did. Why I was falling for him, Why he was falling for me, How afraid he was to do so... He was unsure about everything. He kept saying how he wanted to say he loved me but was always so cautious that I wouldn't say it back.

Of course I'd say it back. And I did.

It's the matter of if he believed me, which I think he's too hurt to believe a word I say but like I said- It's u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d-a-b-l-e. I just want him to be able to trust me, Be able to listen, learn, believe me, even if it's just a little bit.

I'm scared...I want to believe he wont go running back to Arika, I don't want to hurt again...and thats what he said he was afraid of.

Like on the couch-
He talked, and cried, about how he's falling for me, how he wants to say how much he loves me, how he doesn't know what to do about us both. He's still so hurt, and mourning over Arika; And he doesn't want to get hurt by me, once again, It's understandable.
I don't want to get hurt,
He doesn't want to get more hurt,
Were both Afraid,
Were both falling for each other.

Twisted cycle, ain't it?

We talked, and asked, so many questions that I didn't have any of the answers to.

I've noticed he never pushes me past my limits, He's apparently good at it, but he never does it with me- Which is a nice thing...I hate being pushed past my limits.

-I'm only asking nicely,
Don't lie,
Don't cheat,
And please...Please....Please...don't hurt me.

--

The reason why I reject him, when he pushes me a bit far, is because I don't want...OUR relationship, to turn out like all the other relationships he's been through. I don't want him to feel like he's being used, I want him to know that if we do, it would be because of love- and not Lust. I wont let it turn out that way. I am a lot more..."Sweeter" around him, it's funny.

It's just, I love him for all the reason's, he seems to hide. I love him because he...completes me. I guess is a good way to put it. Because he's bold, and true. He's smart, and funny, cocky and gentle, Challenged by life itself. I love him because of the way he holds me, because of the way he touches me, the way he makes me feel...I know, I don't know a lot about his past, I know some good things, and I know some terrible things.

But me, He knows just as much. He doesn't know my past, he doesn't know my truth, he doesn't know of my loyalty, My protectiveness.

--

I hate my Master...But it's just words.....Just words, just let her talk shit...

I want to hit something,
And the feeling to cry, pisses me off even more then I already am. Why do I get so fucking emotional?! I fucking hate it.

Thats what I get for having a soul.

"555-6-6-6!"~

2010-09-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know how to explain the past few days, besides...Hectic.

My Master just keeps freaking out, over the stupidest things, the littlest things, Like coming home at 1, or going up to the trailer park (Which she said I couldn't go to today...so that's gonna suck like a mother fucker) to Hanging out with Dawuane, or Dishes, that I didn't even use. I haven't eaten hardly, I wish I had cereal- But we don't. She wont go to the STORE, she never wants to do anything, I honestly don't know what the fuck her problem is. She's freaking out over nothing, and threatening to send me to my Fathers. Which ain't happenin. Whats he gonna do, Teach me how to behave? No...I'm not staying there.

I don't get why all that is happening.. She's freaking out, Arika still claims Dawuane as her's. Which is so funny to me... If anything, we've claimed us, She's been out of the picture. I feel...Bitchy for saying that, is that a bad thing? Nevermind...Lol.

She honestly think's words hurt me, specially from her NOW? Hahaha, Sain's been snappin easily lately, and I think if Arika came around at the wrong time, that she'd probably beat her ass. She called me a cunt before slamming my window, and Sain almost jumped out of bed and chased her to her door. She snapped on Markus yesterday too, It was scary. xD

My subjects are all over the place. So is my writting.

I don't know...She totally threw off my will to draw. That was all I planned on doing this morning. It's already noon, I've been sitting here for hours. My stomach gets really hot out of no where still, but at least I don't feel like puking. So much better. >.>

Ahhhahaha Last night was funny. Specially since we were so sober.. So he's right, I trust him more then I thought I did. But that doesn't mean I let my guard completely down- Oh if it ever gets that far, I better not get Pregnant. I think that's one of my biggest fears in relationships. I remember Arika telling me that she never got pregnant, but they never used condoms, We wondered if one of them had, you know, like a problem, maybe one of them wasn't able to have kids, If it was Dawuane, I think I'd feel so bad.

"INSANE-
AM I- ONLY MOTHER-FUCKER WITH A BRAIN?
I'M HEARING VOICES BUT ALL THEY DO IS COMPLAIN,
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU WANTED TO KILL,
EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE,"!

..Anyway. Love that song,Had to get that out of my system.

My face is finally clearing up, soooo happyyyy.

So I'm planning, that I'm probably Just gonna be quiet around my Master, don't talk to her very much, do as she says, keep her off my back and shit...Just do anything to seem as invisible as possible around here. I can't even sleep in piece without my window being opened and someone bitching at me. UGH.

Hmm...It's sunny.

I thought it was funny, Cuz yesterday we were talking about how we like..The romantic shit, and how slutty people can get, just out of no where. Like it completely ruins the moment. Lol, Poor boy, he's had to deal with so many fucked up chicks. I feel so bad everytime he brings up something like that from his past. It just makes me want to make things even more better, Least I try.

Schools taking a lot out of me, I swear if I don't get switched back this weekend, I don't know what I'm going to do. I just don't want to do it anymore, I can't STAND being there.

So Probably gonna get a shower, try to hide the bruises around my throat, and do my hair nicely.

I'm such a girl...It's so funny. XD

"Lithium~ don't wanna forget how it feels"~

2010-09-12T21:54:00.000-07:00

I'm..Very tired. So tired, that I'm not going to do, ANY...Of the math homework I have to do, only because I don't even know if I'm even staying in that class. I have to go in on Monday, and ask the councilor about whether or not I'm being switched- or what. I really hate that class though, The teacher is annoying, She gives way too much homework, and doesn't teach shit right..Grr. I hate failing, I'm sadly a perfectionist.

My neck...Is..A complete...Mess. Lol, Like seriously, Huge...HUGE bite marks/hickeys all along my throat. He really did a number that time- but the day beyond all, was so great. We played basket ball, went to his house, hung out up there, fixed the windows, Haha, left everyone without saying a word, and just hung out here for the whole day, till I walked him halfway.

I read about our Signs today, Well...Our Zodiacs, and it talked about everything..Everything to how secretive he can be, and how gentle I can be, which is a side no one ever see's. Which he points out all the time. How he's never seen me be so.....NOT...Cold..With someone, specially with someone like him. I don't..know WHY I get so relaxed around him though, I just feel protected, and warm. There's just so much more to him then meets the eye. And I see that in him, I know he can't /always/ be that asshole he comes off to be to some people, I hear his heart beat..I feel it. I feel it beat against my own, and it reminds me that it's real...And that I'm not just imagining things. That I'm not alone, and I'm seen...Felt...I feel it all...The warmth, the reality, the passion....Passion? .Yeah...It's there.

I know I can be a softy, but that can change so fast depending on whats going on. I can be colder then ice to someone who's pissed me off. I just wont stand for stupid childish bullshit anymore. I'm not dealing with Arika, I'm not dealing with her mom, I'm done with them. Really. I get afraid that Mama will start turning against me though. I mean, She always does, to every girlfriend he's had... Will that make me the same?

Technically, were not even dating..So Sorry if that seemed...Off. I was just meaning the people he's been involved with...

Our Zodiac signs apparently say we'd have an amazing Sex life..Lol, It's so funny what they say XD They say we'll make great lifelong mates, That were both Dominating, but it ballences out somehow- Which is does mind you.

I mean...I can't believe it till it happens, IF it happens, but if anything, I'll always still be his best friend.. I'll always talk to him about things, and I can hope he would to.

I don't know..there's so many memories going through my head now... I'm so tired though, So tired...

I'm held accountable for every Idle word.

2010-09-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

So this mornin...

Oh what a morning THAT was. You cocky bastard.

I only got like, 5 hours of sleep last night. And it was funny XD Cuz I was in the middle of a damn dream, and something was knocking on the window, only to scar the hell out of me because their really /was/ someone at my window XD Which I didn't expect, honestly.. He was "asleep" Last time I knew, so I just went home and went to bed. Lol.

He was cold at first, so I let him in, he stole my bed, so I allowed that, he tried to STEAL it, and then thats when I drew the line mother fucker, haha. I dunno..It was nothing but talking for the most part, It's good to just relax, and talk for once. I'm not the type to just be all over you, just cuz I can. I mean- I CAN be like that if I wanted |D But it's whatever.

Haha, Arika just came to my window, and did nothing but blame me for her And Dawuane breaking up. Tech N9ne was blaring, so it kind of fueled me more, which was funny, because I don't think I've ever raised my voice that loud at her, ever. It feels so...Wrong to yell at her though, my loyalty is strong, and it sure as hell backfires on me bad. I just wanted to close her out, shut my window, and ignore all of it. I just..Wish she /didn't/ exist sometimes. He's single now, and I...Didn't think it would ever get to this point honestly, at least not this quickly. I don't know..What else to do now, I tried to help, Id didn't..Work..Very well, obviously, but at least I tried. Part of me feels like It happened just BECAUSE I tried to prevent it. Course, She can't give me any damn credit for that either. Nope, Just my fault. She blamed me for not being able to talk to him either apparently. Telling me how much he's lieing to me.. I just want all of it to dissapear. If we moved, I'd still be able to hang out with him, and not have to worry about Arika for the most part. At least I wouldn't have to deal with her being next DOOR. Instead she'd probably just prank my fucking house, but thats if she got the number.

I hate how she turns my sister against me, and how my sister just sell's me out completely. This..Two faced bullshit, needs to come to an end, so I'm just gonna start makin it to the point where no one fucking knows what the hells going on.

Anyway, besides her-

I've still got the image of him over me with the blanket on his shoulders. Just looking...Looking at my shitty looking self, ha.

I don't know why, damn it. I wont allow him to over power me so fucking easily. I can try..Lol. I'm dominating, and so is he? So..It causes ...Friction. Lol, so then it's just like a contest to see who will give in first. Sadly, he;s good at it.

I don't know...I tried not to think about it all day today. How far it even had gotten. I never even really...Imagined that sort of THING with him though..

I can tell he's upset..Besides the fact that it's radiating all the way here, from where he is. It's so strong...And heartfelt. He really is freaking out.

I knew this would happen, but I never really figured out what exactly..I'd do. We talked about it today too, about how he wanted to get all his shit from Arika's...About how he actually felt it coming on anyway. I knew he wasn't really...Looking forward to it, but.. Shit still happened. I just want the boy Happy. Whether it's with me, or...his alcohol. I hate leaving him alone, specially when he really needs someone to talk to. I shouldn't have gone home...But at the same time, maybe I should have. I don't want to smother him.. I'm already protective over him, and in return, I just,...Wish to be not lied to. Is that so much to ask for? Just don't lie to me...And we'll never have problems. I don't care what your doing, where your going, just don't lie about it, ya know?

Not that I know of if he has...Probably some small things, who knows.

I don't know, A lot of things are running through my head right now. This is turning into a terrible weekend. I don't know what to do.

He's gone offline.. I don't know what happened to him, or whats going on...I just hope he's alright. He'll probably talk to Mama about it for a while, I'ma take a shower, Might see him later? I don't know.. It's only Saturday.

"You, are, the only exception"~

2010-09-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

Today, was okay, besides all the bipolar attitudes, and random burst of everything. Everyone was happy, then they were sad, then they were angry, then happy again. It was like a vicious cycle, and I couldn't keep up. Lately..I've been trying to get him..To work with her. Tapping him when he says something kind of cold, or telling him to lighten up, or something...Trying to get him to smile..Look at me, see what I'm trying to do.. He probably doesn't. Lol, but that's the point right? I'm trying to keep them together, to keep them both happy. Keep Dawuane from making the biggest mistake...Of his life. Or that's how I see it...I just wont let it go. I'll never be like Arika...I'm too mature for that, but I still feel like I wouldn't be good..Enough. You know? (Probably not, seeing as NO ONE reads this but you...Yeah you..) It's just new, It would be new, and different, and would take...a lot of patients, and courage, and trust...So would I really be willing to give that all up to wok on that? Like I honestly don't know.

Alright, fuck it, I'll write straight from the notebook. ; Beware, this will be a very..Long..Stretched out thing to read. Lol.

So much has happened these past few days, So much to cover.
:I've skipped school all week but Tuesday.
:Yesterday was my Birthday.
:Got caught flicking at Dawuanes.
:Arika sold me out.

I have No clue where to begin, I have such terrible Anxiety at school. I don't understand it.It's like how I feel like when Dawuane grabs my hand or something, but worse...

Mr. Morgan keeps staring at my homeroom. It's creepy how he remembers my name so easily.

WAIT...

"When I see your face,
Theres not a thing I would change,
Cut your amazing,
Just, the, way, you, are~
And when you smile~
The whole world stops and stares for a while,
Cuz girl your amazin,
just the way you are"~

Alright...Sorry. Lol.

So whats up for the weekend? I don't know, Me and Dawuane will probably end up drinking, like usual. It's juts nice to be around him...Though I think uncontrollably. I'm trying to change his mind about breaking up with Arika. I tell him the negative things about me, as much..As I can at least without annoying him. Things most other guys would usually turn their noses up at. Like the bad things that happens /afterwords/.

X
I'm getting tired of the feeling that my lungs and insides are going to explode. It makes everything stress more, and it burns, and constricts.It sucks- so bad. I've never had it this bad before.

I repeat the things Dawuane tells me in my head. I look at my scars, but Ifeel tensed. I try not to think about things, I only think of /good/ things about him. I can't see the bad for once. Oh joy..My stomach hurts, and my heart races, Do I really feel this way? What does this feeling in my gut mean?

X
I can't believe I'm a boyfriend stealer. The funny part of it, is telling Demis. It was funny because she's turned into a complete bitch,but in a good way. she said how much Arika Deserves to have it happen to her. Harsh? Maybe, but I love how cold she can be. It's amazing! She's turned into my old ME. Lol.

X

I'm starting to see a pattern with the guys I'm Involved with. They start to fall for this..."me" And slowly, and eventually end up turning against their girlfriends, And get so transfixed. But how? And why? Why do I cause that to happen?! I haven't figured that out yet. It always turns into shit in the end. Which is why I fear to be involved with ANYONE anymore. I don't want to hurt them...I don't want to hurt HIM. I don't want to go through the pain again...Everything's turning out bad! I want to start getting ready for LIFE. Getting a job, moving out, Having a boyfriend or friend to live with maybe, That's my unusual "Girly" side. Always wanting to be loved...
Pathetic.

X
I can't wait till after school.

X
I'm tired as hell already. I just want to go home, Go to Dawuanes, Arika will probably be there, so that will be lame. Eh, Like I said, I'm only trying to get him to rethink about breaking up with her. This way neither of them can say I didn't try to help.. I tried damn it..I try all the damn time. But it seems that the more I try, the more he just want's to anyway. I don't think he'll make the decision directly, but he might just let her break up with him, turn into that asshole personality of his for a day or so he says, And mope the whole day. I mean hell, I'd do the same damn thing! I know he loves her...It's just the stupid shit tearing them apart, and I feel like it's my fault... He wouldn't be having second thoughts if I wasn't there to...Distract him. Underneath that asshole attitude he puts off, I know he's just protecting a very soft...Fire heart that he try's to keep from being put out. Haha Coincidence. My hearts surrounded by cold, while his warm. Reminds me of when he said that all I needed was something to keep mine warm... -Sigh-...Warmth..

I want to lower my walls, It's amazing when he notices when their up, or when their down. It's the fact that he /notices/ and it makes me feel..Not so invisible. I want him to ask questions, I WANT him to know who I am on the inside...I want him to know I'm not just that little girl with Scars on her wrist's.

/End

...Yeah, that was at school from today. He was "sleeping"...When I left...I wonder if he actually WAS, or if Arika just told me he didn't want to talk to me on purpose to piss me off. Lol. I don't know...I just walked home in the dark, high as fuck mind you, and tweaked out the whole way. Lol. Was pretty fuckin funny. I don't know, he was drinkin, so I just let it go. I'll probably go to bed early, just cuz I can, and not have to worry about getting up for SCHOOL. Ugh.

God I love it when your hairs down.

"I wish I was yours, but I'm not."~

2010-09-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

Like I said this morning, Today will, and HAS been a pretty fuckin shitty day. Pretty awesome how I could see the future on that, ain't it? Ha.

My whole day, resulted in nothing but me getting yelled at, grounded, and pretty much slapped in the face with Karma. I guess I deserve it with all the shit me and Dawuane have been...Doing, these past few days. Not that I regret it, I just hate the fact that I can't..Enjoy...Being there with him before it's all ripped out of my grasp, and I'm left to face the music by myself...Well I'm used to that..I'm always left alone. No one ever sticks up for me, so I'm used to being beaten down into submission, specially by my Master. I don't know what it is about her, It's just when I heard her car today, and heard her voice at the door, I just...completely went into shock, Started hyperventilating, and looked to Mama for help...Course..She didn't do anything. Dawuane and Terrel just came running back into the room like scared dogs. I understand why they did...I cowered the whole time in the car. It's just something clicks in my head when I get into trouble with her, I turn into that scared little girl like when I was 6, and she beat me mercilessly because of a tiny mistake. She brings up how internally scarred she thinks I am because of my dad. Honestly, I am scarred because of that, but I think I'm more scarred, because of the shit /she/ put me through. I have to live with trying to make sure I don't do anything wrong, the whole time, every day, in hopes that I don't do something to cause my family to turn on me. Causes me to be an outcast, the "problem" of the family. I hate it...I hate how fast they turn on you...Every-single-time. No one is ever loyal anymore. I feel like everything I do is for nothing..

--I blocked out the world today, just for a second though, and it seemed like...Everything seemed to flow so easily, everything was so peaceful. After I walked away from Arika, and hopping the creek, I just layed in the field, for so long it seemed. just staring at the sky, begging, looking for some kind of way out...I think I ended up crying like a little bitch, but..I just rubbed away the tears from my eyes, and kept walking home. She kept asking why I was making, ME leaving, her fault. I fought the whole time with her about how it wasn't her fucking fault, when really, I wanted to snap on her. I wanted to hit her, scream at her, bite her, and just pin her down and tell her all the things that ever pissed me off about her. Tell her how much I felt like it WAS her fault. How it WAS her fault I feel so shitty all the time. how it was her fault that her and Dawuane are falling apart, and how big of a bitch she is for talking so much shit behind my back, and then trying to say how much I was her "best friend". I'm honestly done with her. I can't live with the bullshit, and her shit. Her stupid made up drama, and her Master who just LOVES to get me into trouble. But theres nothing I can do about it...I'll never tell her any of that, I'll never hit her like I want to, I'll probably never even look at her again. I just can't believe that she sold me out today, and didn't even take the blame for it...She acted as if she had no clue what even happened.. I can't trust her.. I just can't. -

I think that's why I hate school. Because I don't belong there, I belong out, doing the things I feel like doing, taking care of myself, in any way means possible. Hanging out with the people I want to, School just...I can't do it. I just can't. I know its to help my "social" skills, but fuck, I can act just right out in public, it's completely different then school. I just can't deal with getting to know new people..

Alright, I want to talk about this morning, and simply how amazing it was for once. I see why Arika loves to be all over him, all the time. That doesn't mean I'd ever be THAT clingy, like damn. But he really is comfortable to be around. I become so relaxed, and the fact that he actually takes precautions to make sure I don't freak out? It's..Like amazing. He's always so cautious, and never pushes things too far to where I get uncomfortable. Haha, one of my goals is to actually stare back at him for once. Just to be confident, and to stare back, like he usually does. Pfft, throw him off completely. I've been going so long with not really...Feeling anything, that for once I AM, and it confuses me. Specially with him, I never thought I'd see the day. The thought of us "dating" comes to mind a lot.. Like I wonder how much would change, what would happen, who would still be around and who wouldn't. How things would feel, how far we'd get, how much shit would be thrown at us then.. All these "what ifs" as he calls them..

I just....Love holding his hand, and just sitting there. Why? Like- I seriously don't know. I feel so sappy for it though. It's just the silence, the darkness, the just..Sitting there, being comfortable. It's moments like that, that I actually don't feel so shitty...I wish I could have more days like that, but we all know that wont happen....I don't know.. It all depends on what he decides to do with things. What he decides he feels like doing..Or whatever. I just haven't pushed anything. Just trying to gain trust, and to give trust.. I don't know anymore.

I'm not as confused as I thought I would be. I still want to fuck myself up like usual, but that's because I still feel a pull, because of Cory... Like what would he think, and how would he act.. I wouldn't even want to tell anyone..Just so I didn't have to hear the shit about it. I don't know, I try not to stress about it.

I don't know. I'm just going day by day, trying to figure things out. I don't want to feel like such a drone anymore.. I want to BE happy, I don't want anymore shit. No more Drama, just nothing but good. I don't think I'll get that till later..

What should I do with the money I've gotten? I don't know...A few thoughts come to mind, but I think I'm just going to save it for a few things. Just collect money as it comes to me. Start selling art and maybe some jewelry? Since I seem good at that...

...I don't know...We'll see how things pan out.

"Now I'm standing, Lonely in tears"~

2010-09-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

So today was alright besides the fact of when I got home. Yeah yeah, it's my birthday about now. Seeing as it's 12:22 AM. no big deal, specially for me. I just spent the day up at Dawuanes like usual. It would be, so..Nice, to just have a day with-OUT Arika being there to ruin everything. Like when she IS there, I have to live with trying not to be seen by her when I look at him. I have to watch what I say, and the smiles I throw at him when their both not looking, or just she is. He has to watch when he looks at me, apparently he's been caught a few times already, I think she's catching on... But honestly I couldn't give a fuck. She's causing me so many problems, that it's starting to really itch on my nerves. I've finally stopped crying at least...Thankfully no one head me? My window's open though, so at least I can hope. But today was great, none the less.. I mean fuck- we secretly held hands under the blanket. Dead Honest- I got butterfly's. It's just the fact that I actually decided to GRAB his fingers eventually. The whole while he just poked and prodded them. Once she actually, LEFT, we were able to relax, so much more...Like, I wasn't shaking, I wasn't hyperventilating, wasn't even having anxiety. Just calm, and relaxed, and...happy. I'm actually able to talk to him a lot easier then I was before.. Trust, I guess you could call it. We just sat out on the couch, he layed on my lap, and stole my hand for a moment. There were so many moments where I would have kissed him...But something stopped me...Maybe it was the fact that he looked at me, or noticed when I was about to...Just likes to rub it in, huh.

Just take my hand, and never let go.
Kiss me now, but don't let your guard down.
Hug me again, Yeah, just like that.
Baby, it's cool, just don't turn your back.

I think it's so different, for us- is because we both...kind of cope in the same way. He turns into a dick, so he doesn't get hurt. I turn into a bitch, to prevent that as well. Like- it's all we know how to work...I just hope he knows I can be trusted. No matter how bad half the time, I will not tell. I'm a secret keeper if I ever knew one. My loyalty runs strong, but no one ever seems to notice that. I don't ever like to leave his house. If I could, Id stay up there, for days in and days out. Just because I know I could. It's always so comfortable there. And every time I DO get comfortable, I always have to end up leaving. Or some shit happens, and I'm put back on guard.

I've come to notice, that I hate the attention Arika puts on Dawuane. We were talkin about that today, about how he pretty much feels used, for sex half the time, and I just felt so bad. I wanted to tell him how much I would never take advantage of him, how I'd never become a sex addict like she did, how I'd never betray him like all the other girls have. But then part of me just say's that it probably would happen, and that I shouldn't trust a damn thing thats going on... Well SORRY mind, I have feelings too. And sadly, I'm falling for this kid.

It's some bullshit behind it though, I do nothing but hear shit about him. I mean fuck, no one even KNOWS him. I Just hear how he's "using" us, or me, How's he's doing nothing but playing me/us. How he's just nothing but some big asshole kid, who gets away with shit.- Mother fuckers, you need to BACK THE FUCK OFF. I'm so tired of hearin people BITCH, and WHINE, and PISS around all day, doing nothing but talking shit, and pissin and moanin over shit they have no control over, and shit they have nothing to even DO with. Bitches just have to keep hatin..

I have his hoodie, on accident, completely.

God....Tomorrows going to be a piece of shit, onto of being my birthday, I just...Want to be alone, with only a few people. It's NOT a big DEAL, I just want to get fucked up, and for my Master to just leave me the hell alone...I want nothing to do with her anymore... I want out. Dawuane- You need to get your own damn place, so I can just go THERE to hide. That'd be amazing..Just sayin.

All on my own~

2010-09-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

Look at this fresh, new blog. Made for nothing but NEW. And things that are untold to the world. Things I can't write on my other blog, because people read it. No, this one is personal...about anyone, and everyone I ever want to say something about, without being judged or felt weird about.

I can't get what Dawuane asked me, out of my head. The thought of us ever "dating" is quite the thought indeed. I don't know how exactly I'd react... I don't think I'd be able to do it any time soon... Cory was just around again. I swear, it would have to be complete secret... Arika couldn't know, Cory couldn't know, his family...Couldn't..They'd tell Cory, or Arika.... No one could know...No one...And I don't think he'd go for that. Whats so special about me? It just seems like everything he does is planned, or fake. I can't believe a word of it, and I'm just so scared of anything...I don't want to be hurt. Especially by /him/. It's just all the shit I see him and Arika going through. The things I see them /doing/ is what scares me. He's used to a very physical relationship. A relationship where she WORSHIPS him... Do you know how long it would take him to get me used to any of that? Honestly, I couldn't even tell you. I feel like I wouldn't even cut it to be like their relationship....I feel like I could NEVER compare to that. They were both gorgeous, they were both tall...They fit each other perfectly, and I'm just /there/...That chick who's the amazing one, but is so fucked up, that no one will ever know. I'm starting to not like smoking anymore. At least getting completely blown sucks...I just become like a drone...Just staring off into space. I can't make very many decisions, and I hesitate so much more then I should. He always wants a kiss, or a hug, or for me to give him /some/ sort of attention- That's not a bad thing, I could use the attention to push away my distance problems that have seemed to creep up on me again. I can hardly be touched anymore. Hugging even feels like a fear. It's just that emotional attachment that is causing so much...discomfort. I used to love the fact he was even slightly touching me. The fact that he kissed me that one night, made me feel....So..amazing and important. But then again, I felt like the slutty best friend, that slept with the boyfriend behind her back.- Which ISN'T the case..nothing like that ever happened. It's always the QUESTIONS that get me. You have no clue how many times I've just wanted to kiss is forehead, or his cheek, or his LIPS, when he asked for it, or even when he was looking at me like he usually does. I catch him staring at me all the time, and it causes me to wonder, What exactly, is he LOOKING at. Sometimes it makes me self conscience, and sometimes it makes me feel...giddy. Specially on a good day... When I know I don't look like shit, and that I'm actually confident for once. Those days are always nice. He's the clingy type, so he'd always be around. He'd always want to know whats going on, or that I could hope. You don't know how many times, I've walked down the street away from him, and just looking back once... It's always just once, when I get a certain far amount away... And just imagine him running after me, hugging me tightly, and telling me something nice...Or important. I always see those stupid little movie moments in my mind about him. It's funny, because he's perfect for it. He's gorgeous, hopeless Romantic, and a complete man about things. It's just...The things I think about, cause me to fear him more...Because I /know/ he can over power me, I hate it when he yells, or gets angry around me, and I completely shut down when he singles me out, or is yelling at me about something,- which hasn't happened in forever.... I just think it could if we ever started dating, you know how that is. People in relationships, always do. The other thing, is the manipulation. I know the stupid things he tells Arika, that she falls for so easily, in for- sex wise. Honestly, she talks about how much she hates him, and you have no clue the bullshit she's told me about seeing Jake, or Maly, or any shit about Russel, or some other bullshit about a guy... It get's tiring. I don't understand why she can't be happy with the man she has... There will never be another person she will ever date that will ever be like him, and she knows that. Which is one reason why I think she doesn't want to let him go. For the Sex, for the fact of just OWNING him, Because he's so beautiful, and she doesn't want anyone else to have that. If we were to start dating, I can say goodbye to ever seeing, talking, or even hearing from her, ever again. I can say goodbye to Cory, I can say goodbye to Badguy...I'll lose, a lot...By being with him, So is this really what I want? ...Is this really what I want...? Like- I don't KNOW! That's why I'm so frustrated. I feel like it's a trap. I feel like it's all a lure, to just get my ass kicked, or fucked up, and hurt...I honestly don't know... I'm freaking the fuck out over something so simple. Okay- it's not THAT simple.. but it's quite the problem right now. Like- I want that kid to get his life in order. I want him to get his shit movin, like moving out. Keeping a job. Being able to fend for himself...He needs to learn, he needs to learn to save money, and still buy what he wants at the same time. He needs to grow up, without ruining himself.

God, him and Arika would make some beautiful children. What if we had children? They would...Look terrible. I think about EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!!! The future, shit that could happen, if we actually got together. You see? It's nothing but bullshit. How would MAMA take it? How would Markus, or Miya, or Malik feel.? He said he'd back me up with everything, but what would we actually...Say? "Uh, sorry. We were friends, but we changed that" Haha, no...I doubt it. I don't know anymore. I don't know what else to say about it.

....I don't know what I'd chose yet. This was supposed to be from my notebook from school, but I already covered most of it already through all this bullshit...I think I wrote more here, then I did in my notebook.

I don't know what to do...I want to take a step back, and just watch for a while...Change my mind set, and just go with the flow for a second, see if I like how things feel... Yeah...That seems good.